With Earl Elderflower
Putting the ‘horror’ into your ‘scope’, the noble by birth, rouge by nature, and absolute bounder by choice that is Earl Elderflower, has kindly bribed us with the rights to his ancestral family estate to put his skills as a
semi-professional astrologer to work for the benefit of our readers.
Join this half-witted dandy as he gently caresses his ancient crystal ball in the hope of foretelling what the alignment of the heavens portend for you this August in a mystical movement in 12 parts.
Aries
This month my dear diseased darling a stranger in the night will try to woo you with poetry from a distant time and place. And as divine as the poetry is, you will not be able to escape from the fact that when the poet’s lips move they will remind you of two slugs enjoying a frantic bout of sexual intercourse.
It’s not a pretty picture is it my little ram, but then to my mind neither is the Mona Lisa and look at the fuss they make about that.
It’s all about horses for courses this month lovey. It wouldn’t do for us all to march to the beat of the same drum. Different strokes for different folks and all that jazz hey? Tolerance should be your watchword this month Aries and failing that love, if someone does really rub you up the wrong way, then instead of turning the other cheek, why not expose two of them and tell the big old world to kiss it!
Taurus
If you stand too close to some people you can hear the ocean can’t you my poor buggared and bewildered bull?
You feel a bit like an empty shell yourself this month don’t you my dear. Well tough titty my friend, because other people sure have had their fill of you and your pedantic ways.
You may like to consider yourself a walking encyclopedia of interesting and obscure knowledge, but quite frankly you old tart, your unwelcome, know-it-all attitude has started to bore the hell, the hounds and the happiness out of everyone in your immediate orbit.
My bar-room philosopher compadre Socrates, once said to me when I was giving him a sound kicking at Trivial Pursuit, “Honestly Elderflower, all I know is that I don’t know nothing.”
Ever-ready with a witty riposte I snarled as quick as a flash, “Shut your fat gob you vile Greek pudding.” Needless to say, Socrates got the hint and the rest of the evening passed in blessed silence, broken only by the satisfying clink clink of the ice cubes dropping to the bottom of our Bacardi Breezers as we downed them by the pint.
Silence is golden Virgo. So keep it shut you old brass.
Gemini
Take a look at that big old sun as it lazily makes it way across the blue skies Gemini.
Does its gentle amble and carefree manner remind you of anyone? No! Well I suggest you take your big fat face out of the trough and pay attention sloth, because it’s boot camp time and your lardy ass has just been busted punk! Idleness is a bad habit to break Gemini but this month circumstances will conspire to smash your own personal addiction to laziness to smithereens. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but all play and no work makes Jack a pain in the butt. This is the lesson you will have to learn the hard way this month Gemini if you are to ever escape the diabolical rut your are currently wallowing in like a beached whale, alone and afraid as the natives approach with the sharpest of spears.
My advice for the coming month would be to rise with the sun and follow it to bed whilst drinking nothing but strong sewerage. Good luck lovey.
Cancer
On the third Tuesday of this month Cancer you will be overcome with a fit of laughter that will last for precisely 29 minutes and three seconds.
I know not why, but take it from me I just know these things, so don’t you dare question my psychic abilities you plebeian tart. That’s pretty much been your trouble of late hasn’t it lovey - that inquisitive, probing mind of yours which prides itself on leaving no stone unturned is beginning to turn people’s stomachs.
Let me tell your their are a lot of stones in this world that are best unturned and be careful what you seek because you might just find it.
Curiosity killed the cat my dear and satisfaction didn’t bring him back, a big burly meathead did, after giving him the hiding of his life. My old fencing partner ‘Macca’ once said to me in his annoying scouse chirp while I was busy ritually humiliating him with playful thrusts of my rapier, “For God’s sake Elderflower, Let It Be.” Words to the wise Cancer, words to the wise.
Leo
Where will it all lead my leisurely lion? This life of fickle frivolity and gushing gaiety. Well to the gutter of course and possibly to rehab and a 12-step-recovery plan.
But in the meantime, the birds are singing, the sky is blue, the sun is shining, and the word ‘hangover’ is not in your vocabulary. So it’s party time in the house of the Leo.
But remember, after every Summer of wild abandon, comes the long, cold winter of discontent. The body is a temple dear, and it will only be ransacked and defiled by the priests of hedonism for so long. Moderation is a word you can’t understand Leo, but perhaps you know the meaning of the words ‘stomach’ and ‘pump.’ I’m afraid for the likes of you Leo, one drink is too many and any more is never enough. But never-mind all that, take your hands out of your pockets and get a round in misery guts. As my old arm-wresting buddy Kylie Minogue used to say to me in between her frequent bouts of rum induced projectile vomiting, “C’est La Vie.”
Virgo
Ever been to Nirvana my virginal Virgo? No, thought not. It’s not for the likes of you is it my dear. This month, frustration, anger, and other afflicting states seem to be your lot in life. I’m afraid perfect peace and serenity of mind are not on the agenda right now.
Not to worry old bean, as my old fishing pal Johnny Rotten once said to me in between obsessively consuming tubs of margarine, “Anger is an energy!”
So my advice to you this month dear is to burn the fuse slowly, let the tension simmer and the hostility escalate, and when everyone thinks that some sort of fragile peace has been reached, seize the initiative and the element of surprise by blowing up in everyone’s face like an apocalyptic Catherine Wheel. No quarter can be asked and no quarter can be given in the conflict to come my little archer. You must show no mercy and take no prisoners. After all, how would those back-stabbing workmates who plot so treacherously against you feel if it was one of them so cruelly excluded from last week’s cake run.
Libra
When was the last time you saw the dawn Libra? In fact, come to that, when was the last time you saw midday? Your sleeping habits need to be addressed this month dear. You’re no creature of the night lovey, even if you do possess a rather unsettling mouth full of unkept and lipstick stained teeth.
Sleep is often a little like death, but without the long-term investment, and while you’re slumbering your way through the land of nod I’m here to tell you that those sheep you’re counting jumping over the fence, are in fact the days, weeks, months, and years of your life as it runs away from you.
You’re no vampire my love, that slight limp, subtle hunch of the shoulders, and faint stench of raw meat on your breath doesn’t count. You’re a sucker alright my dear, but blood doesn’t come into it. My advice to you this month is to eat only the flesh of gods and drink only the urine of polar bears.
Scorpio
Sitting in your ivory tower and tossing bones to the savages whilst you play chess against yourself and the strains of Wagner echo around your room, can be quiet a pleasant way to pass the time can’t it Scorpio?
Yet I ask you, “In the name of god where in all this deep, dark heart of darkness is the humanity you unforgivable bounder?” This month you really should stop and consider the feelings of others before you ruthlessly trample all over them my dear. Sometimes the hunter can become the hunted and the prey in turn will have to pray they are not devoured whole by the gaping, uncaring, and all consuming jaws of a merciless predator crazed with blood lust and the thrill of the hunt. A little less sympathy for the devil and a little more empathy for other people would not go amiss over the next few weeks Scorpio. That is if you are to keep the cretins who admire you so fooled into thinking you actually give a dam.
Sagittarius
It’s lonely at the top Sagittarius, but then you wouldn’t know would you? Scrambling around for crumbs from the master’s table is the best you can manage right now I’m afraid. But take heart you lowly fool of a thousand bastards, every dog has its day, just pray yours hasn’t already been and gone in an overwhelming wave of anti-climax.
Your problem is two-fold this month love, and it revolves around the terrible twins of envy and spite. You haven’t really felt comfortable in your own skin for a while have you dear?
But paying some brutal psychopath of an eskimo to bash out a poor innocent seal’s brains, just so you can get your greedy mitts on that fur coat you’ve coveted for such a long time is a pretty obscene way of trying to fit in with the lifestyles of the rich and the vulgar who you so admire. I fear you’ll end up less like Paris Hilton and more like Past-it Stilton if you continue on this road to nowhere my little archer.
Capricorn
You would do well this month my little goat to remember that when a dog chases it’s tail it ends up doing little else but collapsing to the ground in an over-excited and breathless state of near hysteria. Dogs also eat there own vomit, sniff each other’s bottoms and bark at strangers, and although I’m not insinuating you do any of these things lovey, people are starting to talk about your strange ways.
The incessant howling at the moon every night for the last week is not particularly endearing to your neigbours my friend, and although we all like to deviate now and then from the straight and narrow, turning up at work in a Superman costume and refusing to use a computer because it contains elements of kryptonite is not the best way to impress the boss.
I suggest you calm down a little this month and use your excess nocturnal energy in more productive and practical ways - such as making crop circles and ghost hunting.
Aquarius
What can we say about you this month Aquarius? Not a lot I’m afraid. It really is as simple as the pimple that sits ugly and festering on your forehead. You desperately need to take the spade you apply your make-up with and dig you way through the layers of pretense and artifice that you hide behind, until the real ‘you’ is laid bare.
While you’re at it, why not empty your overflowing wardrobe and give all your designer clothes and shoes to charity. You’ll look awful, but you’ll feel great.
Less is more Aquarius and only by destroying your overblown, inflated, and some might say, grotesque image, can you confront your issues dear, of which I am sad to say, there are many.
When mutton dresses like lamb for too long dear, it becomes a prize turkey which not even the coarsest hand would want to pluck.
“YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!” Christina Aguilera once said to me. I’m not sure what she would say to you dear, but my advice is that if you have a genie in a bottle, it’s time to get busy rubbing.
Pisces
The slave starts by demanding justice and ends wanting to wear the crown. Sound familiar Pisces? Well it certainly should do my tyrannical fish.
Building empires and conquering civilizations is all very well dear, but it fails to leave much room for a personal life now does it?
My old chess playing compadre Attila the Hun once said to me over a refreshing chamomile tea served up in the skull of one of his slaughtered enemies, “You know Elderflower you bloodthirsty bastard, I would give up all this power, prestige, and mindless pillaging and bloodshed for a simple life raising pigs on a farm somewhere in Kansas with my beloved Bertha - the hog of my heart.”
I told Attila then as I am telling you now Pisces, our paths are written in the stars and we would do well to follow them, no matter whence they lead. Now push off dear, I have destinies to fulfill.
Be sure to swing this way again next month chumps, and find out what September has in store for you.
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