Barack Obama rumored to be enforcing a ban on Facebook in the U.S.

White House sources have revealed that Barack Obama is rumored to be about to enforce the most controversial bit of legislation during his tenure as President and ban the use of Facebook in the United States.

If true, such a bombshell would ensure Obama would go down in history as the first world leader in the western world who stood up to the vacuous horror of social media.

With billions of users worldwide, it was once estimated that if every member of Facebook were to belong to one country, then it would probably be the biggest in the world.

How lovely! Imagine for a minute, if you dare, the mind-numbing horror and brute banality of an island inhabited with nothing but Facebook users.

The hellish reality of hordes of strangers, all desperately vying for attention and “poking” one another senseless in a bid to have the coolest friends, funkiest status, wackiest profile picture, and most up-to-date baby scan picture, would be enough to make Satan himself turn his big red scaly back and say, “That’s enough!”

Left to their own devices, and without the condemnation of more civilized and refined souls to restrain their base arguments and pointless pontifications, these egotistical and squabbling little beasts would make Lord of the Flies seem like a Walt Disney film quicker than you can say “I’m a real person get me outta here.”

Thankfully, and it’s been a long time coming, more and more people are cottoning to the fact that Facebook is not a place to share; it’s a place to shun.

And if sources are to be believed, then Barack Obama is one such person who is willing to stand up to the endless cat videos and selfies.

White House insider Paige Three claims, “Mr President believes social media to be a plague and a pestilence on America, and he has had enough. He’s determined to bow out with a bang and do one last good deed before he steps down, and that is to ban every man, woman, and child in America from ever using Facebook again.”

Of course, it will be a true test of character for Obama if he is determined for America to truly swim against the tide and avoid Facebook like the plague.

For a long time now, the social media giant has slowly and stealthily attempted to posses the world’s soul and turn us all into driveling cyber people consumed by envy and obsessed with spying on people we have never met.

During the social network wars, how many of us weary “survivors” have looked on with regret and a contemptuous shake of the head as both family and friends were infected by the deadly virus and fell like dominos in the face of the overwhelming peer pressure to “get connected.”

As Mark Zuckerberg’s evil cackle echoed endlessly around the internet, people without a Facebook account were viewed with suspicion by the millions who were enjoying all the benefits of having an intimate and loving relationship with a computer program.

Even by their nearest and dearest, non-users were considered untrustworthy deviants who had no friends and had nothing to say. “Why aren’t you on Facebook?” users would snarl in complete disbelief sprinkled liberally with just the slightest hint of moral outrage.

The “possessed,” as non-users like to call them, soon began to lose all sense of human dignity. Core values such as personal privacy, modesty, and a healthy distrust of strangers were thrown out of the window as a bloody and merciless battle to be the most popular, witty, and liked prevailed.

Alongside Obama, the rest of us watched on with unspeakable sorrow as the afflicted became annoyingly self-centered and obsessed with sharing updates of their life with an uncaring world.

If you didn’t play the game and join their gang, your were soon considered something of a pitiful leper as millions of Facebook users reverted to the archetype of the playground bully and seemed to adopt the stance of, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”

Amongst the ranks of the “possessed,” however, there was no social harmony or cyber utopia to be found. Smear campaigns were commonplace, and much discord and strife that was sown on Facebook spilled over into the real world, with disastrous consequences.

The social network had in many ways started to resemble a particularly vile episode of The Jerry Springer Show without any advert breaks.

Many of us survivors tried to help those caught in the throes of this terrible addiction with rational arguments along the lines of “If I want to speak to a friend, I pay them a visit or pick up the phone,” and “If I want to share photos, I use email, not stick them up in the internet’s equivalent of a pub toilet.”

Sadly, our pleas for liberation fell on deaf ears, because people who lived in small British villages wanted to have long distance relationships with their “friends” in San Francisco, and the daily dose of gossip and vicarious existence which Facebook provided was too good to give up on.

The stark truth of the matter was that people had hundreds of friends but no one with whom to pass the long and unforgiving hours of an actual day with.

And then, from out of the darkness, there comes hope — much like a beautifully crafted letter from another era – with Barack Obama perhaps leading the way

In the words of Obama, “Can we do it?” “Yes we can.” Let’s create some real change we can be proud of.

America’s collective recovery from the addiction to Facebook will no doubt take time, and some may relapse, but as they emerge from their cyber holes like prisoners who have been kept in solitary confinement for an inhumanly long time, they will finally see the light that Obama might just spread through every corner of the civilized world.

And for those of you who are still possessed, you are not alone; America will pray for you.

Is Johnny Depp Having A Midlife Meltdown?

The news that Amber Heard has filed for a divorce from Johnny Depp over “irreconcilable differences”  has many fans of the talented thespian worried that “our John” might just walk slap-bang into a full-blown midlife crisis, if indeed he’s not caught in the mother of ones already.

It’s been a while since Depp captured the nation’s attention as a gormless bug-eyed and slightly camp irritant in Edward Scissorhands. Since that groundbreaking and vulgar display of self-indulgent over-acting, which made grown women weep and dry-eyed men vomit copious amounts of blood, Depp has amassed a small fortune as a smokes and mirrors kind of guy who excels in playing the weird, wonderful, and outright annoying.

With a net worth of $400 million, Johnny had done all right out of playing dress-up and pretend, but here’s the rub: Although he’d only been married to Amber Heard for 15 months before it all went pear-shaped, it’s been reported that the two stars did not get a prenuptial agreement before they tied the knot.

So, in theory, Amber’s “irreconcilable differences” could see her laying claim to half of what Depp owns, and that’s a lot of potatoes.

Yet, it’s not really the loss of half of his immense wealth that has Depp fans so concerned for their hero, it’s what another failed relationship will do to both Johnny’s mindset and, more importantly, his career.

Although he’s never come outright and confessed to having a midlife crisis, the signs of Depp’s tortured anguish in regard to his advancing years and the ravages of time have been visible for a long time now for those who have the eyes to see.

The rot probably set in around about the time Johnny appeared as a vampire in Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows.

In Dark Shadows, a 48-year-old Depp plays a vampire called Barnabas Collins, who looks like a really irritating and sly Frodo Baggins after the ring of Sauron has gone to town on his lame hobbit butt.

Sadly, Depp’s performance was derided by film critics, as they called out his portrayal of a vampire as being quite lifeless.

At the time, the Detroit News asked, “How bad is ‘Dark Shadows. It makes you long for a Twilight movie, and that’s bad.”

As events unfolded, it would prove a very poignant point. Prior to the release of Dark Shadows, Depp has appeared to insult fellow thespian’s Robert Pattinson’s romantic portrayal as a blood-drinking monster in the Twilight movies, by snarling, “Vampires shouldn’t look like underwear models.”

Many at the time felt that Depp’s character assassination of poor Pattinson’s acting abilities and chiseled features seemed to reek of the doubt and despair of a man faced with a midlife crisis.

Had Depp become a bit like a half-crazed and badly nourished grizzly bear prowling angrily around the woods he once ruled but whose kingship was now threatened by the arrival of fitter and younger bears?

Did a wounded and terrified Johnny Depp, isolated in his own overwhelming paranoia and monstrous ego, lash out at those he perceived as a threat, only to  decide somewhat bizarrely that making a lame vampire film was the best means of retaliation?

We could only guess, but although Depp is no stranger to pretension, his next role as Tonto in The Lone Ranger movie exceeded even his own rarefied standards of making sensible god-fearing people squirm with embarrassment and ask the question, “Is Johnny having a nervous breakdown?”

As yet another picture of Johnny-come-lately in fancy dress and make-up with what appeared to be a dead crow on his head was released to promote yet another daring, innovative, and quirky artistic Depp movie, you could almost hear the world softly sigh to itself in resigned despair, “Oh Christ! He’s at it again!”

Promotional pictures released ahead of the film’s release revealed Depp looking like a disturbing cross between a lunatic auditioning for the role of Ace Frehley in a KISS tribute band and Jack Sparrow in Native American disguise.

It didn’t bode well for the future, and when in November 2014 Johnny Depp shuffled onto the stage at the Hollywood Film Awards like a theatrical tramp and started to deliver the sort of speech one would expect from a punch-drunk boxer or slightly camp alcoholic, it wasn’t long before Twitter was ablaze with rumors about Depp’s condition.

Concerned fans of the suavely dressed ragamuffin asked at the time, can Depp’s behavior be merely a warning that the troubled actor has fallen off the wagon and is back on the sauce, or is it indicative of a deeper, darker, and more universal problem that plagues every Hollywood veteran who wakes up one fine morning to find their skin is a little looser, their belly a little fuller, their eyes a little more hollow, their hair a little thinner, their energy a little more diminished, their talents a little less robust, their reputation a little more tarnished, and their credibility shot to hell.

Many of Depp’s closest disciples would probably admit that Johnny hasn’t been on top of his game for many a moon. Are his glory days behind him, one wonders? Does Depp view his past conquests from the rearview mirror of his advancing years with all the raging impotence of the middle-aged driver?

In Hollywood terms, Depp is now considered something of an old grizzled man of the woods who’s running on empty. He’s no fresh-faced young sharp-shooter anymore with the luck of an angel and the dare of a demon. He’s less of a mercurial maverick and more of an established entertainer, and even though Depp is more Pat Garrett than Billy the Kid these days, can the pirate prince accept his mortality, or has a lifetime making a buck out of pretending to be other people going to be Depp’s downfall?

One would hope that Depp could escape the hell and horror of a midlife meltdown by accepting that he is no longer the Peter Pan product of yesteryear, and instead choose to embrace the comfort of sensible shoes, practical coats, the importance of vitamin supplements, and the camaraderie of the golf club.

Yet, when you’re regarded as a swashbuckling lush who always wins the day, it’s not always easy to ask yourself, “Am I actually acting like someone’s embarrassing drunken uncle at a wedding reception right now?”

When someone of the calibre of Piers Morgan decides to have a pop on twitter by tweeting, “Is it just me that thinks Johnny Depp is a complete d**khead,” you know you’re in trouble.

Alone and abandoned by his younger wife, one fears that a savage midlife meltdown is just around the corner for Johnny. Or perhaps it’s already began?