PUTTING the ‘horror’ into your ‘scope’, semi-professional astrologer and amateur bullfighter Sir Elderflower gently caresses his crystal ball in the hope of foretelling what the alignment of the heavens portend for our readers in this month’s installment of STAR STRUCK!
Aries
The answer my friend is blowing in the wind. And it’s called the pollen count you fool! Why else do you think you’ve got a hooter like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and your eyes are streaming like Niagara falls. But cheer up my poor afflicted Aries, because this month a little wrinkled pixie from the uncharted forests beyond the eastern shore will pay you a surprise visit, and if you answer his many riddles satisfactorily, he will yield unto you the ancient secret that will prevent ye olde hay fever from being thou continual plague of thy summer months. Nuff said sweetheart.
Taurus
It’s all issues and tissues with you this month isn’t it Taurus. But like my old comrade Mr T once growled at me like the demented dog he is, “Give me an issue and I’ll give you a tissue, and you can wipe my butt with it fool!’ I realise such hot-headed advice is perhaps unwelcome by someone who is in such an emotionally insecure place right now. But really you old tart! It’s time to mop up that festering pool of paranoia and self-pity that has left an unsightly stain on your best friend's brand new oak-effect laminate flooring and grow a backbone. Tough words honey, but it’s a tough world.
Gemini
Dear God Gemini, it seems this month you have as many faces as a schizophrenic clock. But dare I ask which one of them is the real you? As you read these words I can just visualise your glassy eyes filling with the spite and poison of an amateur illusionist whose ruse has finally been rumbled, my little mercurial mare. Oh but how you do love to see the world as a great stage where you have a myriad of many colourful and flattering roles to fill. Yet be warned Gemini, when you play a part for so long it eventually plays you.
Cancer
Like an obese little red-cheeked fool with their face pressed tight against the pie shop window, it’s never that healthy always being on the outside looking in. You know this better than most Cancer, and that is why this month you must make more of an effort to throw yourself into the heart of any social engagement that comes a’ calling. My old mucker Patrick Swayze once said, “Nobody puts baby in the corner!” With this is mind I think it’s high time you put your well-used copy of Dirty Dancing back into its case and started to do the fox-trot with a dance partner called ‘reality’.
Leo
Take a look out the window Leo. Do you like what you see. A dismal back alley, sprinkled with dog turds of all shapes and sizes, liberally discarded fag ends, half-eaten takeaways, abandoned cars and a drunkard’s vomit is a far cry from your recent sun-kissed holiday in St Lucia. It really was divine lying like a lizard on those golden sands beneath the azure blue skies of that Caribbean Island wasn’t it? But my dear Lion you are living in the paradise of the fool if you believe that sort of thing can last forever. It’s time to wake up and smell the instant coffee. The holiday’s over and it’s back to the office on Monday where they’ve all been talking about you for the last fortnight. ‘Say it how you see it’ is the best advice I can offer you this month.
Virgo
Fickle friends are fair-weather friends Virgo, and fair-weather friends are no friends at all. Yet sometimes there the only friends you have aren’t they Virgo? No-one wants to be known as a Billy-no-mates love, but trying to buy friendship is never a good idea. I suggest you invest in yourself this month Virgo and learn a new skill or acquire a new talent. In my experience fire-eating, sumo-wrestling, or perhaps even bull fighting can instill a strong sense of purpose and confidence in a natural-born doormat such as yourself. Remember Virgo, it’s better to be a king for a day than a fool for a lifetime.
Libra
The grass is always greener on the other side Libra, but was it really necessary to pour petrol on your neighbour’s lawn and set fire to it just because their roses quite literally put you piddling-poor efforts in the shade. Beware of the green-eyed monster this month my jealous Libra. You are in danger of being consumed by your efforts in trying to ‘keep up with the Joness. I suggest you try some meditation whilst listening to that NIck Berry classic ‘Every Loser Wins,’ the next time you feel the burning rage of the inadequate and dispossessed sweep you away in all its hellish glory.
Scorpio
The devil always collects Scorpio, and this month you’re writing cheques your mouth, as big as it is, can’t cash. What to do? If you can’t bluff your way out of your current situation, I suggest you wash your hands of everything and charter a private plane down to Acapulco. I hear the living is good down there this time of year, for a man with a suitcase full of counterfeit notes, a fake passport, and a brilliantly creative and ingeniously fraudulent life story. Let your hair down for a bit, before you move on to your next scam. You deserve a well-earned break from the cut and thrust of the rat-race.
Sagittarius
Every rose has its thorn Sagittarius my sweet, so the trick is to not eat too many of them. Leeks are apparently quite good for you but then I wouldn’t know. The point is that a little bit of what you fancy can sometimes be more trouble than it’s worth. This month I would keep caution very much on your side instead of throwing it to the wind my little pet. When you run with the bulls you get the horns, and if you’ve ever seen a matador impaled by a half-crazed and rampaging beast focused on nothing else but ripping the guts right out of it’s prancing tormenters, then you would think twice before saying ‘yes’ to any novel opportunities that present themselves this month.
Capricorn
Beggars can’t be choosers Capricorn. So when someone offers you some good advice this month, I suggest you ruddy well take it. The truth can often be as plain as a pikestaff, but sometimes, metaphorically speaking, it takes a person with a big stick to repeatedly hit you over the head before you see sense. We’re all in the gutter Capricorn, but some of us are looking up at the stars. They’re quite bright aren’t they. Well just remember you old goat, all that glitters is not gold and no-one likes a a know it all. Think carefully the next time you want to disagree with someone this month and ask yourself the following question, “Perhaps it is I who am the idiot?”
Aquarius
As you gently tiptoe through the tulips this month Aquarius, have a word will you.
You’re a bit old for this kind of nonsense now, no matter what lotion or potion you have chosen to enhance your mental state this month. You’ve been living somewhere over the rainbow for far too long, And your pot of gold is running awfully low isn’t it dear. You’ve outstayed your welcome in the land of make believe and even the munchkins have turned on you. It’s time to take off those red heels fella, you’re fooling no-one. I suggest this month you follow the yellow brick road all the way back to your day-job and try to get a little bit of normality back into your farcical existence.
Pisces
Do you know Pisces my fruity little fish, a call centre worker once said to me in between mouthful after mouthful of steak bake, “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!” Obviously this cretin had never tasted the sheer unbridled abandon of putting a brick through the window of their local job centre. Have you I wonder Pisces? It may not secure you gainful employment but it’ll certainly be a fine release for all that pent-up frustration that’s been eating you up of late. Every bull needs a red flag my dear, now this month I suggest you find yours. Now get your head down and charge. 