THE idea that the royal family are a loosely affiliated gathering of shape-shifting, blood-drinking reptilian humanoids that are part of a global elite hell-bent on enslaving humanity for their own diabolical ends - is just one of my favourite conspiracy theories in an age saturated with them.
Not that I passionately adhere with wild-eyed fanaticism to the above or any of the more popular conspiracy theories forever hopping on and off the cyberspace merry-go-around such as, the Apollo 11 moon landings were faked by NASA, bar-codes are really intended to control people, September 11 was orchestrated by the US government, the Nazis had a moon-base, and Kentucky Fried Chicken makes black men impotent.
It’s just that the devil is always in the details, and the delirious creativity, downright ingenuity, and zealous belief that is poured forth like a witches brew into so many of the more complex, or should that be ludicrous? conspiracy theories is nothing short of an riddle wrapped inside a mystery locked inside an enigma.
The Sage in a Shell-Suit
In 1991 I remember watching former professional footballer and BBC sports presenter David Icke make his infamous appearance on the Terry Wogan show.
Alongside many others I was held transfixed by the earnest Icke, who sat quite regally in a resplendently shiny pink and blue shell suit, whilst casually declaring to a sniggering British public that he was the ‘son of God’.
Not a million miles removed from an old testament prophet, Icke then went on to predict a wave of tidal waves and earthquakes that would devastate Britain in years to come, as the big black hole of notoriety he had successfully dug for himself was complete.
Incidentally, for months later I was haunted by hellish visions of creatures in horrifically bright shell suits, sporting strange haircuts, and speaking in tongues not meant for human years. It was then I decided to stop watching Brookside.
The 'Son of God' Speaks Up
However, I digress. Since his infamous appearance on Wogan, Icke has resurfaced and gone on to become one of Britain’s leading conspiracy theorists.
Icke now writes books and gives talks that explain how human beings are actually holograms, and that humanity is actually under the control of dinosauroid-like alien reptiles who must consume human blood in order to maintain their human appearance.
According to Icke, the reptilian group includes many prominent people, and practically every world leader from the late Queen Mother to George H.W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, Harold Wilson, and Tony Blair.
Heady stuff hey? But it’s all there, nestled like counterfeit gold nuggets, alongside the even more bizarre theories on Icke’s website, that flies under the banner of - ‘exposing the dreamworld we believe to be real.’
It was Kennedy Who Started it!
Not all conspiracy theories sound as far fetched as some. The mother of the modern day ‘conspiracy theory’ movement were the events surrounding the Kennedy assassination.
This was the first event of its kind where the ‘official’ government explanation of the crime was openly ridiculed by a large number of ‘normal citizens’.
Years on from that fateful day in Dallas, and conspiracy theories are the subject of blockbusting films and best-selling books.
There is even now a conspiracy theory about conspiracy theories, which reads something along the lines of “Let’s send all those who threaten us off on some wild crazy wild goose chase which is going to involve them in extremely detailed analysis and microanalysis and discussion of things that don’t matter.”
The Unwitting Chumps of Humanity's Herd
Ironically though, one thing I’ve noticed about a of hardcore conspiracy theorists is their shared ‘elitism’ with the so-called conspirators.
A syndrome whereby the theorist believes himself to have risen above the common rank and file of ‘humanity’s herd’, because there awareness of the conspiritator’s foul play, makes them, if not their better, than at least a nobel equal, that will no longer be duped like the rest of us poor, unwitting chumps.
Hitler the Half-Wit
The most famous case in hand being Adolph Hitler, who was responsible for making Nazi Germany the first country in the world to be essentially governed by a conspiracy theory.
In their miserably misguided way, the Nazi leadership and many Germans believed that the Jews were Germany's special misfortune, and that they had conspired to bring about the country's defeat in World War One.
Nazi Germany was pervaded by conspiratorial ideas about Jews that culminated in the widespread belief that they needed to be eliminated altogether if the German people were to survive.
The Nazi dictatorship is a classic instance of the dangers of taking megaconspiracy theories seriously. Such theories may be fun to concoct or speculate about, but they certainly cannot be allowed to form the basis of government policy!
Fortunately, Nazi Germany is a more or less isolated example of a state wedded to a megaconspiracy theory.
Although similar ideas about the Jews circulated in inter-war Poland, the Soviet Union, and are still popular in the Middle East today, nowhere have they furnished the very rationale for the existence of the state as they did in the Third Reich.
The Innocence of Chance
Once upon a time you were ridiculed out of hand for believing in conspiracy theories, now you are often ridiculed if you criticise them.
The simply fact is that human-beings love a good yarn, and that the application of Occam’s Razor, which states that in any event the simplest explanation is often the most likely, does not appeal to our sense of mystery.
People have always been obsessed with sinister groups controlling things from the shadows.
From the Masons to the Illimunati, conspiracy theories abound about their elusive master-of-puppet’s hand in every historical event from the French Revolution to September 11.
It is far easier to believe in the existence of some dark, diabolical organisation responsible for all the injustice in the world, than to simply admit it could all be down to the innocence of chance, and the chaos and unpredictability inherent in human nature.
Unfortunately, on that note, I have to call it a day. Some imposing gentlemen in black suits and sunglasses have just arrived in the office, wishing to talk about ‘an issue of some sensitivity.’
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