PUTTING the ‘horror’ into your ‘scope’, the noble by birth, rouge by nature, and absolute bounder by choice that is EARL ELDERFLOWER, has kindly bribed us with the rights to his ancestral family estate to put his skills as a semi-professional astrologer to work for the benefit of our readers.
Join this half-witted dandy as he gently caresses his ancient crystal ball in the hope of foretelling what the alignment of the heavens portend for you in a mystical movement in 12 parts.
Aries
Where do rainbows come from dear? And where can I find the elusive pot of gold to keep the wolves from my door. I’m only asking because everything is a happy ending for you this month! But be warned, life is no fairy-tale my dear and as my old farmyard buddy Goldilocks once said to me inbetween ruthlessly snapping the necks of countless turkeys, “Elderflower you handsome bastard, I lost the taste for happy-ever-afters at the same time I lost my taste for porridge. Those bears were brutal and gave me the sort of reality check I won’t ever forget.”
Do you understand what Goldilocks was saying my friend? Life can be a bowl of cherries but all fruit turns sour and when it does it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth that’s hard to shake. Enjoy the good times while they last dear, because hell and all its hounds are always waiting just around the corner to pounce and tear you apart slowly, little by little and piece by piece.
Taurus
As sure as night follows day, beauty must always walk before the beast Taurus, so if you wouldn’t mind holding that door open for me my fruity little bull, I’d me much obliged.
“Where am I going dear?” Well, as far away from you as possible lovey! Isn’t that blindingly obvious? “But I haven’t cast your horoscope for the month?” Well boo hoo dear! Life’s a bitch hey? Well in the spirit of pity, let me leave you with a few choice words of advice.
You see that thing slowly revolving around you? No! It’s not the world, it’s a dung fly dear.
That’s what happens when you wallow in your own muck for too long. Honestly Taurus, of late you really have started to reek of the gutter. Addiction may be a glamorous accessory for the grotesque pantomime parade of the rich and famous, but for the likes of everyday folk lovey, it’s like wearing a t-shirt with the slogan, ‘Don’t come near me I’m toxic filth’ written on it. Or even worse, it’s like being a Justin Bieber fan - unexplainable, upsetting, unnecessary and best avoided. It’s time to clean up your act my torrid bull. I for one have had enough of this charade and suggest you make like my good friend Bo Beep and get the ‘flock’ out of here!
Gemini
It is always advisable my dear god forsaken Gemini, that when you are over the hill that you put precautions in place to ensure you do not go crashing down the other side.
Weathered and worn mutton dressed up as spring lamb never sits well in anyone’s stomach.
However, you are only as young as what you feel, but this does not give you a license to touch up young waiters in the local italian restaurant my aging strumpet.
The last of the Summer wine has been drained to its last drop and the cracks are starting to show of late aren’t they dear? Never fear, this month you will win a free course of Botox in that raffle you entered way back in February at that collage party you gatecrashed in pursuit of some tender young flesh.
As a result you perverted old crab, all your worries and wrinkles will be frozen in time for a brief period - That is until gravity holds sway once more and reclaims your face. Now drop and give me twenty.
Cancer
We’re walking in the air aren’t we Cancer? We're floating in a moonlit sky. We're dancing in the midnight sky and everyone who sees us greets us as we fly.
But pray tell what happens next my little dreamer. Well we wake up and smell the coffee don’t we sweetheart.
Inhale that musky aroma my dear it’s called reality and you’ve been running away from it for far too long. I like to spend a little time away with the fairies as much as the next man, but you’ve been over egging it slightly.
Imaginary friends are all well and fine my dear, but I feel it’s time to finally wave a fond farewell to Bilbo Braveheart, Mr Pickle and Captain Cuddles as they walk into the sunset and blessed oblivion.
Those guys have been real good to you haven’t they my dear. True mates you might say, but the bottom line Cancer is you are proper barking, away over the rainbow, half-baked, not playing with a full deck so to speak. Bearing this in mind, my advice to you this month is to stay away from green telephones and eat as if you were an elephant. God bless.
Leo
The writing really has been on the wall for a long time now hasn’t it Leo and it said in large angry capitals, “YOU WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY!”
Now run with it Leo. No mountain is too high not to fall of and no river is too deep not to drown in. Ambition can make you look pretty ugly, but you really have nothing to worry about in that respect my dear. Why waste your time playing mind games, exploiting lesser souls, and telling outrageous lies to everyone in your immediate orbit, when the whole of the country could be your plaything?
And why worry about having no principles, pride, beliefs or honour, when you can use it to your advantage. Come now Leo, don’t be coy, you’d sell the world with your craven desire to further yourself.
It’s lonely at the top Leo, but it’s lonely at the bottom too, and at least when you’re riding high on the peak of the pyramid, you’ll have money to throw around and wars to declare. Just heed my advice dear - the devil always collects! Now burn baby burn.
Virgo
As a young man-child running free with the rest of my adopted wolf-pack, I once came across an old man in the woods who was rumoured to have walked the earth for nigh on 999 years. Wild-eyed from the thrill of the hunt, with the blood of a fresh kill sitting pretty on my snout, I snarled at the decrepit buggar, “Tell me your secret old fool of the woods!”
The ancient one looked at me fiercely - as I sat haughty and proud, dressed to the eyes in the arrogance of youth - before speaking thus, “Listen well young Elderflower, when I was but a lad I ate the heart of Peter Pan and every day since have bathed in the blood of slaughtered lambs, now be on your way before this chance encounter turns sour.”
Growling in contempt and with my tail held high, I walked away on all fours and left that depraved pensioner where he stood - in a puddle of his own urine.
Now I ask you Virgo, can you decipher the moral in this little fable of mine, because this month your very sanity may depend on it. Stay strong my friend.
Libra
You really must stop poking people Libra. I realise Facebook is the place where all sorts of sad, lonely and wretched strays seek sanctuary from the horror of actual social interaction, but even these poor misguided cyber fruits have certain standards.
How many friends have you got? Over a thousand you say! Well done you! Except that’s not really the case is it dear? How long can you live in the bubble of a social network before the fabricated persona you have created for yourself explodes and leaves you with egg on your face?
What did Dr Jekyll say to Mr Hyde Libra? He said, “Who the hell are you.” Do you get my drift you jumped up little tart!
Once whilst trying to raise the dead with the she-beast that is Gordan Ramsay, I foolishly questioned my supernatural and psychic abilities, but Ramsay, the gentle and simple soul that he is said, “Elderflower! You were born to know the secrets of Mount Olympus and the wisdom of the seventh torment.”
The Jock half-wit spoke wise words Libra and my advice to you this month is to forsake what you want to be and become what you are. Now go forth you plum.
Scorpio
Mr Sandman will be bringing you a dream this month Scorpio, and someone close to you will come bearing the gift of a nightmare.
Sugar and salt my dear, both can be poisonous if you live off nothing else. As many health nuts do, I like to drink at least a litre of cooking oil a day to keep my body in tip top condition. I also find drinking petrol of an evening and eating flowers is conducive to a splendid night’s rest.
However I insist on drawing the line at your passion for roast mole Scorpio. For God’s sake dear, think about the wind in the willows. There’s laughter on the breeze and it’s directed at your questionable antics you two-bob mug.
Tread carefully through the tulips next Tuesday love, because the Easter Bunny is waiting to pounce and do you in proper! All joking aside, think carefully about what you have learnt today Scorpio, because it may just save your skin when the mountains sink into the sea and all the birds fall from the sky. One last thing, have you ever ate a horse Scorpio? No! Well this month you may bloody well have to.
Sagittarius
It seems you swallowed a problem and are living a nightmare this month doesn’t it Sagittarius? Well sticking you fingers down your throat won’t help either you great big pudding.
Honestly dear, if I had a penny for every life I’ve ruined, I’d be a millionaire, but you don’t catch me bragging about it.
You’re a mean son of a bitch my love, a proper grizzled veteran of a thousand gnarly dog-fights, but like my old beer drinking buddy Shania Twain said to me whilst she was busy gutting a bear, “That don’t impress me much!”
The mean streak which runs through you a mile wide has jumped up and bitten you on the butt this month and now you want a little sympathy.
Well tough titty darling, the milk of human kindness has turned sour on you, because you’ve been tainting it for far too long with your own unique brand of malice. I suggest a little voluntary work at the nearest charity shop is in order dear. Oh and be warned, Elderflower has beady little eyes everywhere, so keep your hands out of the till you wicked wretch.
Capricorn
Hello old bean it’s time to get out the wrinkle cream. The party season has left you looking somewhat haggard hasn’t it dear.
In fact you look like a corpse that’s just been dragged out from six feet under to face the music on Judgement Day. Not to worry though hey, a little bit of rest and relaxation will have you back on your feet in no time and ready to face the doom and gloom ahead.
I don’t wish to be negative my old goat, but this month is not going to be a bed of roses for you dear. As my old hairdresser Jon Bonjovi once said to me as he gave me a blue rinse, “Elderflower you talented swine! Tonight I sleep on a bed of nails!” Sighing with the wise understanding that most hairdressers are perverts and deviants, I simply replied, “Jon Bon, just as long as you do it behind closed doors and with other consenting adults it’s not a problem.” He then muttered something about “Living on a Prayer”, but I digress, the point is Capricorn you must bear your burden with dignity and stop your perpetual bellyaching. Now digest that!
Aquarius
Do you know Aquarius you inquisitive prat, when I used to collect trolleys for a giant supermarket conglomerate, my old co-worker Jean Paul Sartre once said to me, “Elderflower! Hell is other people.” Working my way through a super-size can of special brew whilst fiercely eyeing up every single customer with unreserved hatred, I considered the philosophical ramblings of this homosexual French man for a nano second before growling, “On yer bike Sartre you work shy toss-pot, these trolleys aint gonna collect themselves!”
So you see, my dear, what I am trying to tell you is this month you will have to be cruel, not to be kind, but for the sheer empowering joy of unbridled malice.
I’m afraid Aquarius that this month will bring many a battle your way, so you better make like a gladiator and get in the ring. “There will be blood!” as my old mate from the chip shop Daniel Day Lewis once said to me, but the trick is to ensure it’s not yours. Now put up your dukes and get dancing, punk.
Pisces
Heed these words well Pisces. Take those sour grapes of yours and use them to make some of the finest wines know to humanity. This month fiery Mars is in Uranus, Mercury is rising and Saturn looks promising for Saturday. All in all it looks likely to be a very fortuitous few weeks for those born under the sign of the fish.
Anything you turn your hand to will pretty much have the King Midas touch this month my dear, but use it wisely. Don’t go making any silk purses out of pig’s ear, because the swine in question might not like it. Not everyone appreciates a helping hand, so I would advise you to work behind the scenes, carefully pulling the strings and manipulating the muppets. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and as my old drinking buddy Freddy Nietzche once said to me when deep into his cups of Absinthe and existential despair, “Elderflower my old fruit. God is dead!”
Bottoms up and chin chin my dear.
