It doesn’t matter if you’re a pig farming alcoholic or a cross dressing Olympian, you are who you are and you cannot escape your destiny. He’s not as fat as Russell Grant but he’s twice as talented and wears better jumpers. Ladies and gentlemen allow us to introduce the Epiphany Inferno’s part-time, semi-professional astrologer - Earl Elderflower.
The Earl of Fortune has done many horoscope readings for a whole host of famous people including Kate Middleton, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, and Pat from Eastenders. They just haven’t seen them yet - except East end Pat who was part of a coach party booking that the Earl took when he was working as a gypsy sage off the end of Clacton pier.
Come now dear reader, and allow the Earl to draw the mystic veil which obscures the future aside and find out exactly what the stars have in store for you this month!
Aries
Do you know Aries you little horn headed prune that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions? “What on earth does that mean?” I hear you whimper. Well allow me to explain with a little incident regarding my whale hunting buddy Meville Herman? One day whilst he was busy baking one of his delightful sponges, Herman grunted in that curiously high pitched and feminine voice of his, “Elderflower. I am a cruel bastard but I am a fair bastard, and I am also a kind bastard. Does this make sense?” Being a born diplomat I responded to the raving loon’s rambling with a curt nod of my head but all the time I was thinking. “Herman you are a hopeless lunatic!” Do you see my error Aries, by not telling the nutter he was off his trolley and over the rainbow, and by neglecting my civic duty to make arrangements to have this mad man sectioned, I am partially responsible for allowing him to retain his freedom and go on and write one of the most boring books in history - Moby Dick. Now do you understand Aries? My advice to you this month dear is to think for yourself and stay away from Oxo cubes.
Taurus
A word of advice Taurus you bull-headed freak, lycra in a very unforgiving material and it doesn’t flatter your portly frame one little bit. So what the hell do you think you’re playing at? Every rose has its thorn Taurus my sweet, so the trick is to not eat too many of them. Leeks are apparently quite good for you but then I wouldn’t know. The point is that a little bit of what you fancy can sometimes be more trouble than it’s worth. This month I would keep caution very much on your side instead of throwing it to the wind my little pet. When you run with the bulls you get the horns, and if you’ve ever seen a matador impaled by a half-crazed and rampaging beast focused on nothing else but ripping the guts right out of it’s prancing tormenters, then you would think twice before saying ‘yes’ to any novel opportunities that present themselves this month.
Gemini
Frank Sinatra or ‘ole blue eyes’ as I liked to call once said to me, “Look chump, live a life that’s full, travel each and every highway, and more, much more than this, do it your way.” Naturally I told Frank to stop talking such bollocks, sober up and get the hell outta my face with his crummy dime-store words of wisdom. Like I did then Gemini, you must do this month, and pay little heed to the advice of others. It’s time to chart your own course over the many pit-falls and booby traps the world will continually throw your way like a wanton and sadistic PE teacher. A fool’s hope is better than no hope lovey, and fool’s gold is the best gold of all. Now get out there and seek it! But be warned the romance of the road can soon fade after the lack of a few regular meals and a comfortable pillow to rest your head and dream your dreams on a rainy, windswept night.
Cancer
Apparently it is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. Having spent considerable time in both destinations, I would say each side of the argument has its plus points. Decisions you make this month Cancer will have far-reaching consequences. I wouldn’t like to go as far as to say your immortal soul is in jeopardy, but think carefully before you act. The flapping of a butterfly’s wings can cause a storm in some far corner of the world, and eating that insanely strong curry tonight may not exactly go down well with your work-mates tomorrow when you get a touch of the ‘Deli Belly’ and stink out the office to high Heaven. We are what we eat my friend so maybe you should opt for less of the exotic and spicy and more of the stodgy and bland, if you want to fit in with that grey and dreary crowd you spend nine to five with.
Leo
Huge blue beings that tower over you and talk in a foreign tongue that sounds both enchanting and intoxicating to your ears haunt your dreams this month don’t they Leo? Are you perhaps going insane or perhaps you have watched the film Avatar one too many times? To be frank I don’t care one way or the other, I’m just here to warn you that an old acquaintance from the past will darken your door with their unwelcome presence this month. That’s got you feeling rather nervous hasn’t it Leo? Cast your mind back to that crazy drunken night in Porthcawl last Summer. How much do you really remember? There was definitely a person dressed as a clown giggling hysterically, an Elvis impersonator singing ‘All Shook Up’, and a drag queen walking about with a traffic cone on there head telling all and sundry they were a dalek on a mission of goodwill, but apart from that It’s all a bit of blur isn’t it you old rouge? Think carefully and try to piece together the jigsaw of that night if you are to make some sense of the days and events to come.
Virgo
You’re at the cutting edge of things this month Virgo, but you may find yourself looking a tad ridiculous trying to use a blunt saw for a job that requires a sharp rapier. At times you feel not unlike a caged beast trying to hack its way through the bars with nothing but a mouth full of rotting teeth, yet now is the time for liberation not hesitation Virgo. For far too long you’ve let other people’s prejudices and preconceptions restrain and repress you, but what good is a life not lived my dear? It’s time to go the whole hog and become that alter-ego of your vastly intricate and detailed dream world. Yes there will be mockery, and yes there will be ridicule, but who are they to say you cannot go through your days as an unholy hybrid of Rupert the Bear and Darth Vader with a passion for riding penny farthings. Live the dream Virgo, for your reality seems a bit of a nightmare.
Libra
Libra you red-faced, hollow eyed lush, don’t you know that when mercury is in your mouth it isn’t all that good for you. Well this month the smallest planet in the Solar System is in your Uranus and what do you think this means you sozzled little shit? It means a trip to the dentist is in order to get those amalgam fillings you had put in over three decades ago finally taken out. It’s all very well drinking around the clock to numb the pain, but your teeth realy are in a dreadful old state. Are you aware that on those rare occasions when you do smile, it resembles a Victorian graveyard that has just taken a direct hit from a nuclear warhead? The truth can often be as plain as a pikestaff, but sometimes, metaphorically speaking, it takes a person with a big stick to repeatedly hit you over the head before you see sense. We’re all in the gutter Libra, but some of us are looking up at the stars. They’re quite bright aren’t they. Well just remember you old goat, all that glitters is not gold and no-one likes a a know it all. Think carefully the next time you want to disagree with someone this month and ask yourself the following question, “Perhaps it is I who am the idiot?”
Scorpio
Do you know Scorpio you little tart, once when I was sharing a can of Spam and bottle of tesco value whiskey with my loathsome friend Bob Dylan on a hunting expedition, I said to the excitable troubodour, “How many deer you killed today shit-kicker?” The frizzy haired fool looked at me in that moronic manner of his before replying in his croaky and asthmatic whinge, “Elderflower my good sir. I pay in blood but not my own.” How do you think I handled such a situation Scorpio? My first reaction was to turn purple with rage and club that sarky bitch over the head with my can of spam. However, I’m a wise man at heart and walk a higher path so I chose to completely ignore the mealy mouthed fool and all of his inane ramblings. You too much relaise that ignorance is bliss this month Scorpio, because many a fool will be sent to test you before the 30 days are over. But look on the brightside my little insect, you’ll finally find out if those anger management classes you took earlier this year have worked. Now restrain yourself you tit!
Sagittarius
You are shining like a radiant star this month Sagittarius, but in all your glittering glory and beguiling razzle and dazzle be careful you don’t accidentally topple from your fragile perch in the Heavens of the carefree and fall ungracefully to earth with a hoarse sounding thud. A whole host of bitter and envious so-called friends are waiting impatiently in the wings to mock and gloat any misfortune that should come your way my dear. So I would advise you this month to fight fire with fire and put the boot in first. As any boy scout worth his salt knows, if you ‘fail to prepare, prepare to fail.’ Why not invite all those who plot so treacherously against you to a KFC night? No-one will suspect anything naughty of anyone generous enough to offer them a ‘bucket’ of finger-licking goodness. They’re not to know it’s been generously laced with laxatives are they my paranoid little pet.
Capricorn
It’s time to pull your head out of the sand Capricorn. This month you must make an effort to confront your obsession with celebrity figures such as Cheryl Cole. Yes such people have fame and riches beyond compare, and admittedly, maybe the only material things you’ve got that Cheryl hasn’t is a bad case of cellulite and a wardrobe consisting solely of Primark’s Summer range. Yet is money the be all and end all you old goat? A renowned multi-millionaire once said to me over a pint of opium or two in St Lucia, ‘The best things in life are free Elderflower.’ He then passed out and I emptied the contents of his wallet to fund the plane flight home. What lesson is there to be learnt in all this Capricorn? You must discover that for yourself, but one thing is for certain, it’s time to put away that copy of Hello magazine and ask yourself who you really are and what you really want? I feel a little chat with the man in the mirror is in order my dear.
Aquarius
Animals will play a big part in your life in the coming months Aquarius. In fact you will feel like a regular Dr Dolittle as the pathway to your house becomes riddled with dog excrement from the gentle Great Dane who lives down the road. You will step in it often on the way to work and come the third Thursday of this month you will trip and fall flat in your face into a freshly laid pile of big ole ‘Brutus’s’ waste product. It will not taste pleasant! Our feline friends will also pose many problems for you this month dear as they rip apart your bin bags and reveal to the cold light of dawn and all your curious neighbours, the discarded stained underwear and lurid magazines you perhaps should have burnt. But I beg you my cold curious fish, be on your guard, for the town in which you live will become infiltrated this month with a vicious and vile type of cow that will demand their pound of flesh and pint of blood. They are an ancient breed and their number is many.
Pisces
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, and now that your sinking in a quagmire of your own devising, that old chestnut rings all too true doesn’t it my little bonehead. Caution is a word you can’t understand isn’t it Pisces, you’re like a fish who can never resist the bait. But when you’re being reeled in hook, line, and sinker, whilst flapping around helplessly, it doesn’t seem so clever does it? Prudence should be your watchword this month lovey. You’re in a bit of a mess at the moment dear, but there is a light at the end of this particularly dark, dank, and slime-encrusted tunnel. It’s called the national lottery. Heed my words of advice Pisces and go buy yourself exactly 32 lucky dips. Jog on now darling.
Be sure all you terrible twats tune in next month to find out what December, the festive month, has in store for you all. Ciao for now chumps!
