Movie Magicians That Would Thrash Harry Potter

Harry Potter may be the most famous movie magician to ever pick up a wand and yell something incomprehensible before kicking some serious ass, but he pretty much pales into insignificance compared to some of the other cool and mean muthas who are fond of wearing silly pointed hats and strutting around the silver screen muttering mumbo jumbo.

Admittedly puny Potter may have banished Voldemort to the abyss of no return, but “he who must not be named” always seemed rather camp and peculiarly pathetic when compared with real shit hot spell-casters such as Gandalf and Merlin. Besides Potter’s only magical power seemed to come through his wand, which he was forever waving in people’s faces like a  jumped up two-bit bitch with a stolen gun.

It’s time to put Potter properly in his place and compare him with some real bad bastards capable of rustling up some bona fida kick ass elemental magic which would make the likes of Voldermort and Harry boy squeal like two-bit pigs in a cheap suits borrowed from Paul Daniels and David Blaine. 

Gandalf

Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t fuck around with Gandalf. He’s one mad, bad, pipe-smoking, hobbit loving hippie terrorist. And what’s more, before he got himself killed by the Balrog and was resurrected as Gandalf the White, he was known as Gandalf the Grey. That’s some serious out of this universe magic right there. J.R.R. Tolkien was rumoured to have got his inspiration for the creation of Gandalf from a German postcard entitled ‘Der Berggeist’ (mountain spirit.)

The postcard depicts a bearded figured in a wide-brimmed hat sitting in a forest beneath a mountain and feeding a fawn. Tolkien referred to Ganalf as an ‘angel incarnate’ in a 1954 letter,  and also called him an “Odinic wanderer.” In fact, Gandalf’s habit of disappearing and appearing at the drop of an hat is very similar to the wandering habits of the Norse God Odin who also liked to dress up as an old man and wander the countryside confusing people by talking in riddles and giving them stern looks. Gandalf is often portrayed as a bumbling, foolish old pot-head who doesn’t know the bottom from the top, but is essentially a good-hearted, if slightly eccentric and irritating old fool obsessed with rings. And therein lies the true and secret power of this wayward wizard. Whereas Potter behaves the way he looks - like a plummy public school boy, Gandalf’s appearance is merely an ingenious guise. Although why you’d chose to look like a decrepit Grateful Dead roadie, when you’re in fact over 2,000 years old and capable of magic so fierce and fantastic it could make the earth spin on its axis, is a mystery in itself. Needless to say, in Peter Jackson’s Lord Of The Rings trilogy Gandalf comes across as the real deal and could take on Hogwart half-wit Harry Potter and that perfumed ponce Dumbledore with both hands tied behind his back - whilst being completely off his head on a heady mixture of opium and acid and reciting the complete works of William Blake to boot!

Merlin 

Best known as King Arthur’s right-hand man, Merlin is as old as the hills. He made his first public appearance in 1136 when Geoffrey of Monmouth came him a mention in Historia Regum Britanniae. Although born of woman, Merlin’s dad was an incubus, which to those who don’t know, are demons that seduce ladies. So being lumbered with those tricky half-mortal, and half-demonic genes, Merlin really had no choice but to opt for a career in wizardry. Merlin has been portrayed in numerous films and TV productions, and nearly all of them are terrible and twee efforts which depict Great Britain’s best sorcerer as a kind of fun-loving homely sort of chap who probably eats Mr Kipling’s cake and watches the Antiques Roadshow. All of them that is apart from John Boorman’s 1981 epic Exalibur. Played with exquisite menace and just a subtle hint of psychopathic campness by Nicol Williamson, the Meriin in this darkly dramatic retelling of the legend of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table is to put it bluntly, a complete nut-job. When he’s not busy helping Uther Pendragon impregnate an unsuspecting fair lady with the “once and future king of Britain” by summoning up “the breath of the great serpent”, he’s wandering around misty forests looking mean, moody, and magical.  Merlin’s eventually seduced and trapped by budding sorceress Helen Mirren, who plays the crazy bitch Morgana. Yet fear not, for the mighty magician’s hysterical tones return later on in the film to inspire Arthur and the boys to some proper old-fashioned carnage of the sort that would turn young Potter’s bowels to liquid quicker than you can say ‘Hocus pocus!’

The Wizard of Oz 

Now I know what you’re thinking. The Wizard of Oz is at the end of the day, or film as the case may be, just a ‘smoke and mirrors’ regular kind of guy and not an actual bona fida magical bastard. But it doesn’t really matter because anyone who is wise and cunning enough to make the whole of a crazy dream land filled with green-skinned witches, dancing robots, singing lions, flying monkeys, merry midgets and philosophical scarecrows, think that you’re a great and famous wizard, then you could easily deal with a puny punk like Potter. Right? What makes the Wizard of Oz so dangerous is, like Dorothy,  he actually came from Kansas, and flew to the land of mad Munchkins on a hot air balloon. Only difference is the Wizard, or Morgan as he was formerly known, is obviously a con-man par excellence. This shyster of sorcery ends up ruling the Emerald City through the power of sheer illusion, and a few complicated looking mechanical contraptions. This terrible trickster hasn’t got a magic bone in his entire body, but what he does have is self-belief by the bucket. He’s got so much of the stuff it even rubs off on the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion, who eventually realise they had a brain, heart and courage all along. The whole film can be viewed as a testament to the power that faith and belief have when it comes to changing both perception and reality. Now compared with half-blood princes and goblets of fire that’s proper magic, and if you got it you can charge through any walls, not just the ones on platform nine and three quarters.

Hollywood Mind Control in the Movies

Next time you pay a visit to he cinema be warned! Hollywood has long favoured subliminal messaging in films as a means to unknowingly scare, educate, manipulate, and titillate us. 

From the spinning heads and speaking in tongues of The Exorcist to Oliver Stone’s conspiracy theory loving JFK, American films are riddled with subliminal messages but which movies really work the hardest to manipulate the mind? 

Often referred to as “hidden communication in plain sight”, subliminal messaging was first introduced in the 1950s by greedy and underhanded American advertisers who desired to bleed an unwitting public dry in the name of rampant capitalism. 

Subliminal messages are not visible to the naked eye of conscious thought but they are greedily absorbed by our slightly gullible subconsciousness, which gobbles them up before leaving them half-digested and rotting, to play merry bloody havoc with our mental processes. 

Quite naturally, the art of subliminal messaging soon attracted hordes of Hollywood filmmakers who saw it as a very useful tool in their quest to fabricate realities, manipulate audiences and become as God. 

Let’s have a sly peek look through the lens and take a trip through five films which contain messages we’re not supposed to know are there. Knock Knock! 

Fight Club

If any movie likes to play acid mind games with your brain it’s David Fincher’s Fight Club. The psychopathic Tyler Durden, tenderly portrayed by Brad Pitt is a subliminal message all by himself. If you watch those split-second frames carefully, you can actually spot him three times before he actually appears in the film. To make things a little quirkier when Durden is not beating his mates black and blue in bare-knuckle boxing bouts or making bombs out of soap, he spends his time adding subliminal messages to movies in the cinema where he works as a projectionist. The messages in question are a grotesque and overblown image of a penis. What sort of statement Fincher was trying to make with this whacky playfulness we may never know. Viva la revolution. 

The Exorcist

You would think a film based on a real-life case of demonic possession which depicts an angry projectile vomiting 12-year old who spits obscenities at Priests and can swivel her head and makes her face and eyes go a strange shade of yellow at will, would be scary enough without subliminal messaging right? Wrong! Hidden messages involving demons and other gruesome images are strategically placed throughout William Friedkin’s classic horror flick, and may have something to do with it being voted the scariest movies of all time, time after time. Just remember to leave the light on. 

Gladiator 

At first glance, Ridley Scott’s sword and sandals epic is the last place you’d expect to find the dark arts and black-hand of subliminal messaging. Think again. Just as Russell Crowe’s character, the memorably titled Maximus Decimus Meridius is about to be killed on the orders of the corrupt perfumed ponce Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix), a word that contains enough conspiracy theories to populate a small country flashes up, and that word is “Kennedy”. The name of the assassinated American president flashes up again during the end of the film just before Commodus penetrates Maximus with some Roman steel and handicaps him ahead of their duel to the death. Thumbs up or thumbs down? 

JFK 

If there’s one director who’d appreciate the subtle nuances of subliminal messaging more than most it’s Oliver Stone. His 1991 award winning film JFK may play fast and loose with historical fact but it is crammed with enough subliminal messages, that guarantee by the time a movie goer has left the cinema, they’ll be convinced that Kennedy’s slaying in Dallas was masterminded by an elite group of Masonic, shape-shifting reptiles from the planet ‘Wrong’. Could it be magic? 

The Lion King 

Lastly, but not least, a list about subliminal messaging in movies wouldn’t be complete without a Walt Disney film thrown into the mix. In some quarters there is a belief that Disney films are hot beds of secret messages. It’s debatable if Disney has an overall plan to corrupt and confuse its audience or if these subliminal messages are just the product of bored and mischievous animators and filmmakers, but one thing’s for certain, a lot of people believe they are definitely there. In Aladdin for example, when he is trying to reach Jasmin on her balcony you can apparently hear him say quite quickly, “Good teenagers take off your clothes.” And next time you watch the Lion King, pay attention to the scene where Simba remembers his dad on a cliff top because the word “Sex” seems to form in the clouds above his head. It’s all Greek to me.

An Obsessed Angelina Jolie Dreams of Making Kate Middleton Movie

It appears Kate Middleton’s life has been targeted by her number one celebrity fan Angelina Jolie as fertile ground on which to sow the seeds of a new Hollywood movie on.

When you’re richer than the economy of some countries and as glamorous as a big lipped skeleton in designer clothes can be, fame for fame’s sake and sleeping with Brad Pitt may just not be enough to fill the dreaded down time in day after monotonous day spent counting your money and starring at your perfect reflection in antique mirrors. 

So what’s an Angelina Jolie to do? Well, with her woeful string of failed relationships which are longer than a diseased tom cat’s tail, our Angie has blown her chances of ever marrying into royalty.

Yet, the plucky young thespian’s obsession with everything royal, and in particular, Kate Middleton, needs an outlet, and rumour has it that old Ang could be turning her obsession with the Duchess into a Hollywood film.

Buoyed by her success with her directional debut, The Land of Blood and Honey, the Oscar-winning actress is contemplating producing a flick based on the life of Prince William’s wife.

As we all know, after it was repeatedly rammed down our throats during the excessive TV coverage of Will and Kate’s big day, Middleton started life as a commoner and then after meeting the future King of England in college, she married into royalty and became a Princess. Wham, bam, thank-you man! 

Kate’s story is pretty much perfect fodder for a Hollywood script, and Jolie is exactly the sort of delusional and deranged romantic to make it epic in a toe-curling and blood curdling sense. 

Jolie is one of Kate and Will’s biggest fans and the star-struck little donkey even has a picture of the royal couple in the love nest she shares with Brad Pitt and her brood. 

An insider told the Sun newspaper, "Angelina's fascinated by Kate and says she has a wonderful aura. She loves her look and common touch and says she and William radiate kindness and sincerity."

Let’s hope, if the movie is ever made, it is created in true Hollywood style. The commoner Kate could be portrayed as a rough as slate coal miner’s daughter from up North, with a fierce appetite for chips, mushy peas and stout, who likes nothing more than a bit of Greyhound racing and Bingo to add a bit of spark to her Saturday nights.

And then along comes Prince William, a man who sees beyond wealth, class and privilege to a peasant’s true worth. A true gentleman who saves our Kate from her bleak working class existence with the most royal of gestures. 

Fingers crossed hey Angie! 

Singers With a Death Wish

They're dead famous, dead cool and dead tragic, but did certain singers who died young predict it in their lyrics?

Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse all have a few things in common; they're impossibly cool, universally adored and eternally dead. Burnt up and spat out into an early grave at a tragically young age. Victims of the same rock n' roll lifestyle which put them on a pedestal, celebrated their vices, whitewashed their weaknesses, exploited their talents and blindsided them hook, line and sinker, before leaving them to rot. 

Exactly why they died well before their time is debatable, but one thing is for certain, their lifestyles and lyrics all conspired to make their sudden deaths less shocking than if it happened to more mediocre talents and less forceful personalities. 

All of the aforementioned rock n' roll casualties were renowned for having their finger firmly on the self-destruct button in one way or another during their short lives. A factor which is nowhere more evident than in the words of certain songs they sung while the heart was still beating and the rock was rolling. With this in mind, let's play musical sleuth and unearth the lines from certain songs which reveal, if not a blatant death wish on behalf of the singer in question, at least a morbid curiosity in their own demise. 

The Doors - The End 

It's fair to say that the Lizard King Jim Morrison was obsessed with death. He wrote reams of poetry about the Grim Reaper during his short tenure on this mortal coil and a fair few songs too - most memorably the 11 minute oedipal psychedelic epic that is 'The End'. When a serious young man obsessed with LSD and Nietzsche croons "This is the end, my only friend the end," you know he's a car crash waiting to happen. Jimbo's own end came in a Paris bathtub when he died from a suspected heroin overdose. Interestingly, one of the last songs Morrison recorded (Hyacinth House) contains the enigmatic line, "I see the bathroom is near." Go figure. 

Nirvana - All Apologies 

The last song on the last album that Kurt Cobain ever recorded reads like a suicide note to the world. It's not angry and frantic but despairing and resigned as if the Nirvana singer had already made up his mind to stick a shotgun in his mouth and violently blow his brains out. World weary lyrics such as "What else should I be? All apologies," and a philosophically meaningless refrain which solemnly intones "All in all is all we are," reek of a soul ravaged by ennui and sick with experience. Fame and fortune had numbed Cobain to his present and made his future bleak. Consequently the only exit he considered available to him would also be his last. 

Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart 

It was grim up North during the heyday of Joy Division and Ian Curtis's lyrics encapsulated the Manchester misery and dreary despair on an industrial scale. Pretty much any of the strangely beautiful words which fell from Curtis's dour mouth like poisoned poetry were larger than life clues to the inner turmoil and dark forces which compelled him to hang himself. Yet one song stands head and shoulders above the rest. In one sense, 'Love Will Love Tear Us Apart' is nothing more than an ode to a relationship turned sour, but on the other hand, lines like, "And there's a taste in my mouth as desperation takes hold," suggest an existential despair which was always going to get the better of Curtis. 

Jimi Hendrix - I Don't Live Today 

Like a guitar wielding spaceman from another planet with crazy clothes and crazy hair, Jimi Hendrix was an otherworldly talent who performed songs of such majesty it seemed impossible that such a talent could be allowed to live for long. He wasn't, but before he ingested a lethal cocktail of amphetamine, sleeping pills and red wine, which caused him to choke to death on his own vomit, Hendrix had written plenty of songs with dying on their mind, one of them being the aptly titled 'I Don't Live Today'. In this red raw rocker of a track, Jimi describes how he feels like he's sitting at the bottom of a grave, before casually asking the universe, "Will I live tomorrow? Well, I just can't say." Hendrix's apparent indifference to his own mortality would a few short years later quite literally cost him his life. 

Amy Winehouse - Back To Black 

Although in death she has become acclaimed and revered, the simple sad truth is that during her short career Amy's alcoholic and drug-fuelled antics amused us and often overshadowed her true talent - which of course was her voice. A voice which never sounded better than on 'Back To Black', a song about a doomed love which is never going to go the distance. Obviously, when a lover walks out on you it's always going to be an upsetting experience but to cry, "You go back to her and I go back to black," seems to suggest a morbid hypersensitivity and slight fixation with the abyss of no return. Winehouse eventually went back to black for good, when she died all alone in her London flat with nothing but a couple of empty vodka bottles for company.

The X-Factor judges Simon Cowell wouldn't want

Now that Simon Cowell has given Nicole Scherzinger, Steve Jones and Paula Abdul their marching orders, who would be the most unlikely candidates to fill their seats on the US version of X Factor?

It may be a classic case of "small man syndrome" or perhaps Simon Cowell is simply showing everyone who really wears the high-waisted trousers, but the naughty Napoleon of the music world has been doing a lot of firing lately and very little hiring. 

In an attempt to revamp and reinvigorate the US version of the X Factor, a merciless Cowell has been wielding his axe and clearing out the dead wood. Apparently 49-year-old Paula Abdul was 'very gracious' when given the boot but Nicole Scherzinger was 'disappointed at being discarded a bit like an unloved rag doll. 

With just LA Reid and Cowell remaining on the judge's panel, anticipation to see who will join them in the hot-seats is at an all-time high . During a recent interview on entertainment show Extra , Cowell dispelled rumours that he offered Beyonce $100 million to be on the next series. He also added that Elton John is "absolutely not being considered" because he would be "really difficult to work with." Madonna apparently would be "Great", and Kate Perry would be "fun, hard, and feisty." However there are a handful of singers who we can safely say would never be approached to become a judge on X-Factor in a month of Sundays. Let's find out who!

Morrissey: "What difference does it make?"

The Machiavellian Mancunian may be a living legend and best-selling artist who has a huge cult following around the globe, but he is currently without a recording contract and involved in court cases with the NME. The reason? The man's a genuine artist with the sort of integrity that money men like Cowell despise. Mozza's legendary contempt for almost anything slightly human is a force to behold and his withering wit and scorching scorn would make Simon Cowell seem like an amateur in comparison. Years before shows like the X-Factor existed, Morrissey already had enjoyed a host of nasty experiences with Cowell like figures when he was lead singer in The Smiths. In fact he wrote a song about it called "Paint A Vulgar Picture", which describes a record company meeting of 'sycophantic slags' discussing how to best cash in on a dead star. It's not hard to see why Morrissey would never cut the mustard as an X-Factor judge.

Axl Rose: "Welcome to the jungle!"

The flame-headed screaming banshee that is Axl Rose turned 50 this month but although age may have mellowed the Guns N' Roses singer somewhat, his volcanic and legendary rage is still bubbling away beneath his bandanna, threatening to spill over and create a big bloody mess.

Any would be rock-stars who dared to murder 'Sweet Child O' Mine' or any other hard rock staple in Axl's judgmental presence would probably end up being throttled by the short-fused and precious ginger-haired rock god, and it would take a lot more than SImon Cowell throwing a glass of water in this bad bastard's face to cool him off.

Lou Reed: "Everybody had to pay and pay"

Trying to emotively warble your way through a Westlife song whilst being stared at dispassionately by the fish-eyed, thin-lipped, and acid-tounged Lou Reed would be a slightly unsettling experience to say the least. The former Velvet Underground singer from New York's mean streets is a former alcoholic and drug-addict and no stranger to the darkest depths of depravity, but the thought of Simon Cowell's prodigy Susan Boyle covering his song 'Perfect Day' on America's Got Talent was just too much for little Lou. So he famously prevented her from doing so at the very last minute. As you can imagine, if Reed is capable of snubbing and reducing such genuine talents as Boyle to tears, God alone knows what outrages he would inflict upon young hopefuls making their first tentative steps on the X-Factor freak-show.

John Lydon: "Anger is an energy!"

When he's not busy trying to convince us to eat more butter, the former Sex Pistol front-man loves to criticise everyone and anyone. More judgmental than God, Lydon could start a fight with his own reflection. Consequently, the X-Factor environment, full of teary-eyed teens and sensitive singing souls, would provide such a man-beast, very fertile ground to sow his potent seeds of discord and upset. Although Lydon, like Cowell, can be sinisterly camp and play the part of pantomime villain to perfection, he differs from the X-Factor judge in that he appears to actually like music and believes in originality. So I'm sorry Johnny dear but it's a no!

Liam Gallagher: "Don't ever be denied"

Since Oasis fell apart, little Liam has been desperately trying to return to the limelight in any shape or form. No doubt the beady eyes of the supersonic singer would light up in monkey-like wonder if Cowell ever offered the diminutive brawler a chance to judge lesser talents on the stateside version of X-Factor. Unfortunately, American audiences would probably struggle to decipher the guttural Northern tongue and strange ways of the basin-headed Brit popper, so it looks like Gallagher junior will have to carry on hoping from a call from his brother Noel with "some exciting news for you about our comeback our kid."

Is Angelina Jolie Just too Busy to Eat?

Good enough to eat? Pictured is a hungry Angelina

eyeing up a tasty Brad.

It can't be easy being Angelina Jolie. She has to juggle being a full-time mum, cope with the around-the-clock demands of Brad Pitt, and also find time to squeeze in a few multi-million dollar movie flops along the way. It's no wonder the poor cow's just too busy to eat.

Yes, that's right! Too busy to eat! Apparently the skeletal sex kitten is 

often so busy looking after her kids that she forgets to eat.

Now while the demands of motherhood may be fierce, frantic, and unforgiving, you can't really forget to eat, can you?

Forgetting to eat is not like forgetting to brush your teeth or wash your hair, it comes down to a simple case of survival. If you don't eat, you die! Or in the best case scenario, you turn into a strange and feeble bony beast with protruding shoulders, matchstick legs, a gaunt face and hollow eyes. Sound familiar?

A source told the Mail on Sunday that when Angelina Jolie does remember to eat, she just devours bowl after bowl of exotic and nutrient rich berries, much like a gluttonous and frightened rabbit.

The source claimed that the busy mum of six is so busy with her kids she forgets to eat and when she does she pigs out on organic fruit and vegetables and ignores the full buffet lunch which is often tantalizingly on offer in her presence.

So when the painfully thin Angie is not busy looking after her little ones or forgetting to eat, she does find a little quality time to sit in a quiet corner somewhere with a measly bowl of berries.

Sounds quite pathetic doesn't it? That's because it is. Here's the rub. If you're looking after kids, then you're feeding kids, and consequently you should be eating with the kids, not pretending that you don't have the time or that a bowl of berries is somehow enough to fuel the fire and feed the fat. It's not really any kind of example to be setting anyone.

Celebrities hey! They'll be forgetting to wipe their ass next.

Brad Pitt Admits Abject Poverty Cheers him up!

Brad Pitt has confessed that after becoming a depressed doughnut from smoking too much dope in the 90s it took a delirious dose of other people's despair to snap him out of it.


It seem that poverty and terrible living conditions have succeeded where Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie failed, and that is to cheer the boy Brad the hell up.

The miserable pig ugly movie millionaire with rotten teeth, a broken nose, and absolutely zero prospects, admittedly has a lot to be down in the dumps about.

He's good mates with Bono for a start and married to a peculiar horse woman with a whole range of possible eating disorders. But that's neither here nor there.

 Poor Pitt's really heavy-duty kick-ass bout of depression occurred in the nineties, when in between making multi-million dollar movies he had nothing to do but lounge about on a couch like a senseless sloth, smoke high-grade pot and get deeply irritated with himself.

Sounds like pure hell doesn't it? It was, as brave Brad candidly admits, "I was hiding from the celebrity thing. I was smoking way too much dope. I was sitting on the couch and just turning into a doughnut and I really got irritated with myself. I got to: 'What's the point? I know better than this.'"

We all know better Brad, but wait! It gets worse, a lot worse. The courageous A-lister revealed, "I was doing the same thing every night and numbing myself to sleep, the same routine. Couldn't wait to get home and hide out. But that feeling of unease was growing and one night I just said, 'This is a waste."

We all know how you feel Brad. The rest of us have a word for what you've just described, it's called work! But that's enough about us low lives and our lowly plebeian occupations, what we really want to know is how did Brad Pitt banished the blues and win his duel with depression?

He took a trip to Casablanca and the abject poverty he saw firsthand made him realise just how lucky he was, and hey presto, no more depression.

What a guy!