Happy 60th Mr Blair: A message For You Tony

Congratulations Tony you old dog. It was your 60th birthday earlier this month. No doubt time to take stock and reflect upon your life to date. And what a life it’s been! Let’s take a look at some of your best bits. 

You’ve been called a lot of things in your time haven’t you Tony? “Morally inert”, a “Bare-faced liar”, “Smarm incarnate”, “Sanctimonious snake” and  a common “War criminal” are just a few of the more charitable insults that have been slung your way. 

But just you remember Tony, sticks and stones may break your bones but name can never hurt you. However, missiles, bombs and bullets can - just ask the people of Iraq and the soldiers who fought there.

It’s a big thing to invade another country, and not a decision to be taken lightly. But all these years later, do your hands still feel clean Tony? Does it feel as if there’s any blood on them? Perhaps you sleep easy at night with the solace that you saved more lives than were lost if Saddam Hussein had been left to rule the roost? 

It was so different and so much more clear-cut  back in 2003 wasn’t it Tony? You and Bush demanded a war and so did the majority of the UK. Or at least that’s what the 175 editors of Rupert Murdoch’s papers were hell bent on telling us that’s what we wanted. 

Do you remember Rupert Tony? He’s had a tough time of late. Or as tough as it gets for fabulously rich media moguls. Still, Adolph knew it and so did you - he who controls the press controls the people. And it must have been awful nice to have had Rupert the Blair on side. 

Perhaps as you blow out all 60 of the candles on your birthday cake today Tony you’ll cast one beady eye back to the events of 2003 and recall the bright unholy glare of those 1.9 metric tonnes of depleted uranium ammunition that was used by UK forces in the Iraq war, and in a moment of Dod forsaken clarity cry, “Oh my God! What we did was illegal and morally bankrupt!” I wouldn’t bank on it though. 

Talking of bankers. They’ve led us on a right old merry dance since your were last in power haven’t they Tony? Your birthday fell on a bank holiday this year dear, but money never sleeps does it Tony. At least not on your watch.

Your “New Capitalism” and “New Labour” heralded a complete feeding frenzy at the trough didn’t they Tony. Finally, rampant capitalism and personal greed were liberated from the shackles of regulation and old fashioned concepts such as ‘society’ and ‘moderation’. 

We never had it so good - that is until we had nothing left, not even a pot to piss in.  We’ll be repaying the debt you and you boys lumbered us with for many a moon won’t we Tony? It’s obvious you believe in splashing the cash to become popular and remain so, because the public sector debt rose 82% under Labour didn’t it Tony? Which suggests you were just throwing money at problems, knowing they wouldn’t surface their ugly heads until long after you had flown the nest. 

Talking about nests, you certainly know how to feather yours don’t you, you crafty old tart.

Pocketing two million a year courtesy as your role of part-time adviser to investment bank JP Morgan is a lovely little earner. And that’s before we take into account your similar role with insurance company Zurich. Not to mention rumoured  reports that Tony Blair Associates pocketed another 27 million after being employed by Kazakhstan’s dictator, Nursultan Nazarbayev as a special adviser.

It’s all a bit rich for a former Labour Prime Minister Tony. No! scrub that, it’s filthy rich and somewhat unsavoury you grasping little toad. 

In fact, you’re so good at making money honey, you can get away with charging up to £200,000 on giving lectures and speeches around the world whilst staying free of charge at UK ambassadors official residences courtesy of the British taxpayer. 

This is an underhanded trick by anyone’s standards Tony, but for someone who’s got a property portfolio worth millions it’s diabolical. How Blair You! 

What’s more Tony, you declare yourself a religious man but in your first six years in office you  ordered British troops into battle not once, not twice, not three, not four but five times. That’s a record Tony. You’re more of a war mongerer than any other prime minister in British history. First we had Iraq in 1998 and then in 1999 it was Kosovo. In 2000 we had Sierra Leone and then in 2001 we had Afghanistan and then by 2003 it was time for Iraq again. That’s quite aggressive behaviour for a self professed man of God Tony. 

Incidentally Tony, are you aware that your initial spell TB? But you’re not a disease are you Mr Blair, well perhaps a minor plague that our country is still trying to recover from. 

So have a happy 60th birthday Billy Bliar, you’re a master of masks, a maker of history, and an enemy of truth, all in all, a perfect politician.