Why Facebook is a Mug’s Game

Over 600,000 Brits disappeared from Facebook in December but were you a proper mug to have joined the social network in the first place?

With nigh on 700 million users worldwide, it was once estimated that if every member of Facebook were to belong to one country, then it would be the third biggest in the world.

How lovely! Imagine for a minute, if you dare, the mind numbing horror and brute banality of an island inhabited with nothing but Facebook users. The hellish reality of hordes of Mark Zuckerberg's little pawns all desperately vying for attention and 'poking' one another senseless in a bid to have the coolest friends, funkiest status, wackiest profile picture and most up to date baby scan picture, would be enough to make Satan himself turn his big red scaly back and say, 'That's enough!'

Left to their own devices and without the condemnation of more civilised and refined souls to restrain their base arguments and pointless pontifications, these egotistical and squabbling little beasts would make Lord of the Flies seem like a Walt Disney film quicker than you can say 'I'm a real person get me outta here'.

Thankfully, and it's been a long time coming, more and more people are cottoning onto the fact that Facebook is a billion dollar business which views its users as little more than products! It's not place to share, it's a place to shun.

Of course, it has been a testing time for anyone who managed to swim against the tide and avoid Facebook like the plague as it slowly and stealthily attempted to posses the world's soul and turn us all into drivelling cyber people consumed by envy and obsessed with spying on people we have never met.

During the social network wars how many of us weary 'survivors' have looked on with regret and a contemptuous shake of the head as both family and friends were infected by the deadly virus and fell like dominos in the face of the overwhelming peer pressure to 'get connected'.

As Mark Zuckerberg's evil cackle echoed endlessly around the internet, people without a Facebook account were viewed with suspicion by the millions who were enjoying all the benefits of having an intimate and loving relationship with a computer programme.

Even by their nearest and dearest, non users were considered untrustworthy deviants who had no friends and had nothing to say. "Why aren't you on Facebook?" Users would snarl in complete disbelief, sprinkled liberally with just the slightest hint of moral outrage.

The 'possessed' as I like to call them, soon began to lose all sense of human dignity. Core values such as personal privacy, modesty and a healthy distrust of strangers were thrown out of the window as a bloody and merciless battle, to be the most popular, witty and liked, prevailed. The rest of us watched on with unspeakable sorrow as the afflicted became annoyingly self-centred and obsessed with sharing updates of their life with an uncaring world.

If you didn't play the game and join their gang your were soon considered something of a pitiful leper as millions of Facebook users reverted to the archetype of the playground bully and seemed to adopt the stance of, "If you're not with us, you're against us."

Amongst the ranks of the 'possessed' however there was no social harmony or cyber utopia to be found. Smear campaigns were commonplace, and much discord and strife which was sown on Facebook spilled over into the real world with disastrous consequences. The social network had in many ways started to resemble a particularly vile episode of the Jeremy Kyle show without any advert breaks.

Many of us 'survivors' tried to help those caught in the throes of this terrible addiction with rational arguments along the lines of "If I want to speak to a friend I pay them a visit or pick up the phone, and "If I want to share photos I use email, not stick them up in the internet's equivalent of a pub toilet."

Sadly are pleas for liberation fell on deaf ears, because people who lived in small British villages wanted to have long distance relationships with their 'friends' in San Francisco and the daily dose of gossip and vicarious existence which Facebook provided was too good to give up on.

The stark truth of the matter was that people had hundreds of friends but no-one with whom to pass the long and unforgiving hours of an actual day with.

And then from out of the darkness there came hope - much like a beautifully crafted letter from another era. The privacy issues which Facebook has struggled with for so long were beginning to shake a lot of the 'possessed' out of their apathetic stupor and willful slumber.

People begin to ask, "Who exactly can see my profile and who actually owns all the pictures I post?" And there were even more rumours that Facebook had been selling personality profiles of users to any company willing to pay for the information. People began to feel that Facebook was forcing unacceptable conditions upon them and slowly in dribs and drabs they began to leave the social network giant like rats deserting a sinking ship.

Their recovery will no doubt take time and some may relapse, but as they emerge from their cyber holes like prisoners who have been kept in solitary confinement for an inhumanly long time, these former Facebook users are to both pitied and helped as they stumble, blinking and confused, into a new dawn and take their first few tentative steps on the long, hard road to freedom.

And for those of you who are still 'possessed', you are not alone, we will pray for you.

Apps for Androids!

With the Android army growing in numbers every day in the UK, let's take a look at the ten best free apps available for these tablets which are guaranteed to make you go "droid!" 

Twitter 

Got something to say? Then write a book! But if you haven't got the time or patience to write something worth reading then the Twitter app on Android is just the ticket. With the Twitter app you can discover what's happening, what matters to you, and communicate easily by writing extremely banal and cryptic sentences which no one really reads. 

National Rail Enquiries 

Train timetables can be a thing of beauty if you like that sort of thing, but if you don't they're a terrible bore. With the National Rail Enquires app you can liberate yourself from the horror of standing on a windswept platform and asking a grumpy alcoholic what time the next train to Barnsley is due. With this app you can conveniently plan your journeys and get notifications of delays. 

UK Jobs 

You can't lounge around all day playing Angry Birds forever you know. It all costs money and to fund the lifestyle of a true tech geek you need a steady source of income. UK Jobs provides a database of jobs throughout Britain. And who knows? This time next year you could be renting jet skis in Clacton-on-Sea. 

Facebook 

We live in an age where vicarious existence is king. Most people who use Facebook regularly will not understand what that means, but not to worry they have thousands of 'special friends' so it doesn't really matter. If you wish to keep in touch with strangers you've never met and spy on friends you despise then Facebook for Android is the app for you. It allows you to communicate in real time you know. 

Last.Fm 

The only thing better than listening to the pop genius of One Direction is listening to One Direction for free. The Last.fm app allows you to do this by streaming great music straight to your android and all for nowt. Now you cannot get much more boom for your buck than that my friend. 

Google Sky Map 

If you see UFOs on a regular basis and converse daily with aliens, then chances are you need medical help. But if you have a passing interest in the night skies and little green men then the Google Sky Map will definitely float your boat. Aim your Android at the sky and it will use its orientation tools to accurately represent the stars and planets on your screen. With this clever little app you'll learn to tell the difference between Uranus and a passing rocket in no time. 

Google Maps Navigation 

If you continually find yourself lost and wandering through the dark and dense labyrinth of your own tortured mind, Google Maps Navigation will not be able to help you, but if you're struggling to find your way around the one way system in Milton Keynes it's a god send. Such apps may have decimated the satnav industry, but how can you say no to something that still works even when your GPS signal fades out? 

Flickr 

A picture paints a thousand words, but what is the true worth of anything in the internet age if you cannot instantly upload it to the web and earn bragging rights? You may not have David Bailey's talent but Flickr at least gives you a fraction of his exposure. With this app you can instantly share your snaps on Facebook, and less we forget, Twitter as well. 

RAC Traffic 

Arterial blockages can be a right royal pain in the butt, but you can kick them into touch with RAC Traffic. It allows you to stay one step ahead by alerting you instantly to traffic conditions in your area. With this app can feel like a king of the road and smile as smugly as Jeremy Clarkson as you cunningly avoid congestion and stick your fingers up at any passing cyclists. 

BBC News

You pay your license so you may as well get your money's worth. If anything newsworthy happens chances are it'll appear on the BBC news app. It's sleek, shiny and best of all you can submit your own news tip and tell the beeb where its going wrong.

Let’s get the hell out of Europe!

You don’t have to be to quote David Cameron, “a British isolationist” to want to quit the EU, you just need to have a little common sense.  

In his recent speech on Europe David Cameron said, “There are always voices saying: ‘Don't ask the difficult questions.’” And fair play judging by the piss poor content of his half-baked rant, the boy wonder certainly seems to have listened to them there voices.

During his eagerly dreaded tirade, written incidentally by raven haired poet and former ice-cream seller Clare Foges, Cameron carefully skirted around the real facts of why so many people in the UK want Britain to get the hell out of the EU. 

And it’s not because we’re British isolationists, fully paid up members of UKIP, or to quote Cameron, people who want to “pull up the drawbridge and retreat from the world.” It’s because when something looks like bullshit, smells like bullshit, and tastes like bullshit, nine times out of ten, it is bullshit. 

And the EU, much like Cameron’s speech, definitely has a slight odour of flatulence and tangible whiff of sulphur about it. Here’s the crunch. If you haven’t got an opinion on Britain’s involvement in the EU then you should. Why? Because it costs us as a country roughly £50 million a day to be a part of this great and redundant organisation. 

That’s right! 50 million! We haven’t just given our sovereignty away we’re paying the fat cats in Brussels a small fortune for the privilege. and the best part in all of this is, wait for it,  we’re actually borrowing money to remain a member of the EU. 

So now you know exactly how much it costs to be shafted senseless, perhaps you can justify this criminal expense with a few of the huge perks and benefits that a country garners from being a member of the EU. You can’t can you? Or if you can there’ll be quickly nullified by some of the realties of what actually goes on in Brussels behind closed doors.

Our forefathers fought hard and long in this country for the right to elect and dismiss those who make our laws, but the EU represents a governmental institution which is undemocratic, lacking in accountability and stuffed with two bob bureaucrats obsessed with rules and regulations. 

We the people give parliament the right to make our laws through informed debate, but we never signed up for them to give those powers away, and that’s exactly what happened when Britain joined the EU. We were sold down the river and betrayed. 

The UK’s commercial, agricultural and industrial sectors are all controlled by Brussels. As are our social, labour, environmental and foreign trade sectors. ‘How is this so?’ You may well demand. Well simply put, Britain has nine percent of the votes in the Council of Ministers. Now because you need 30 percent to block a new law, our government ca be outvoted every time by the member states, even on laws that out detrimental to our country.

If we don’t then implement these laws, Britain faces unlimited fines in the Luxembourg Court of Justice. In effect Parliament can scrutinise and debate EU legislation, but unless change is unanimously voted for by all member states we cannot alter a single word of it. We either accept or reject, and as we all well know, when it comes to defending the UK’s rights, parliament usually simpers and swallows. 

This situation which is a nightmare in itself, is not helped by the fact that corruption is rife within the EU. Has there ever been such a hot bed of unelected fraudsters, free-loaders and crooks? It really is the mecca for every failed and corrupt politician ever spat into creation. “Much like the house of commons!” I hear you cry. Except at least our motley lot of depraved imbeciles remain partially in the public eye.  

Defenders of the EU will always hark on about the benefits. But what are they and why has no government ever has done a cost-benefit analysis and presented us with some clear cut figures why the EU is our friend and not our master? What benefits are there to be had from the EU that there aren’t to be had under old fashioned collaboration between governments and free trade arrangements? 

The answer is really quite simple. The EU presents a massive source of income and huge amount of power for a privileged few with vested interests and a raw deal for the rest of us suckers. 

We actually buy a lot more from the EU than we sell to them. So if we left they’d soon come running cap in hand and beg us to sign a free trade agreement, which would enable us to maintain our present position without the shackles which bind us to Brussels.  

The majority of us are forced into accepting the current set of conditions, because if we dare question them, we’re labelled small minded Britons by the Eurocrats who kid themselves that without the EU, Europe and the UK would descend into a hellish chaos similar to that of the Second World War. 

It won’t! Any rational explanation of the facts will tell you that. What ruined Greece? The Euro did. And just a cursory look at many of the other countries in the Eurozone will tell you that the Brussels mafia has failed miserably, but that hasn’t stopped the EU voting in favour of compulsory teaching of the 'advantages' of EU membership in schools. God give us strength. 

Cameron said in his speech, “It is time for the British people to have their say. It is time to settle this European question in British politics.” The radical firebrand then announced solemnly, “I say to the British people: this will be your decision.”

Great we thought! the old snake has a backbone, but in the time honured tradition of doublespeak, wavy Davey apologetically whimpered, “Some argue that the solution is therefore to hold a straight in-out referendum now. But I don't believe that to make a decision at this moment is the right way forward, either for Britain or for Europe as a whole.”

So pray tell young David why exactly is that? 

The slick statesman simpered, “A vote today between the status quo and leaving would be an entirely false choice. There is a gap between the EU and its citizens which has grown dramatically in recent years. And which represents a lack of democratic accountability and consent that is – yes – felt particularly acutely in Britain. I never want us to pull up the drawbridge and retreat from the world.”

Neither do we Dave, neither do we, but an awful lot of us would be happy to see you, your cronies and the nest of vipers and shysters that make up the EU crawl back under the rock from whence you came! 

Because by pompously declaring that “It is time for the British people to have their say on Europe,” but, and this is the best bit, not until 2017, what you and your two bit lib con party are actually doing is holding the country to ransom with a brazen bribe which summed up can be best translated as,  “If you vote for us in 2015 we may have a referendum on the EU, but do you know something you unsightly gang of plebeian mugs? I wouldn’t bank on it!” 

What your star sign really reveals about you!

It doesn’t matter if you’re a pig farming alcoholic or a cross dressing Olympian, you are who you are and you cannot escape your destiny. He’s not as fat as Russell Grant but he’s twice as talented and wears better jumpers. Ladies and gentlemen allow us to introduce the Epiphany Inferno’s part-time, semi-professional astrologer - Earl Elderflower. 

The Earl of Fortune has done many horoscope readings for a whole host of famous people including Kate Middleton, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, and Pat from Eastenders. They just haven’t seen them yet - except East end Pat who was part of a coach party booking that the Earl took when he was working as a gypsy sage off the end of Clacton pier. 

Come now dear reader, and allow the Earl to draw the mystic veil which obscures the future aside and find out exactly what the stars have in store for you this month!

Aries 

 Do you know Aries you little horn headed prune that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions? “What on earth does that mean?” I hear you whimper. Well allow me to explain with  a little incident regarding my whale hunting buddy Meville Herman? One day whilst he was busy baking one of his delightful sponges, Herman grunted  in that curiously high pitched and feminine voice of his, “Elderflower. I am a cruel bastard but I am a fair bastard, and I am also a kind bastard. Does this make sense?” Being a born diplomat I responded to the raving loon’s rambling with a curt nod of my head but all the time I was thinking. “Herman you are a hopeless lunatic!” Do you see my error Aries, by not telling the nutter he was off his trolley and over the rainbow, and by neglecting my civic duty to make arrangements to have this mad man sectioned, I am partially responsible for allowing him to retain his freedom and go on and write one of the most boring books in history - Moby Dick. Now do you understand Aries? My advice to you this month dear is to think for yourself and stay away from Oxo cubes. 

Taurus 

A word of advice Taurus you bull-headed freak, lycra in a very unforgiving material and it doesn’t flatter your portly frame one little bit. So what the hell do you think you’re playing at? Every rose has its thorn Taurus my sweet, so the trick is to not eat too many of them. Leeks are apparently quite good for you but then I wouldn’t know. The point is that a little bit of what you fancy can sometimes be more trouble than it’s worth. This month I would keep caution very much on your side instead of throwing it to the wind my little pet. When you run with the bulls you get the horns, and if you’ve ever seen a matador impaled by a half-crazed and rampaging beast focused on nothing else but ripping the guts right out of it’s prancing tormenters, then you would think twice before saying ‘yes’ to any novel opportunities that present themselves this month. 

Gemini 

Frank Sinatra or ‘ole blue eyes’ as I liked to call once said to me, “Look chump, live a life that’s full, travel each and every highway, and more, much more than this, do it your way.” Naturally I told Frank to stop talking such bollocks, sober up and get the hell outta my face with his crummy dime-store words of wisdom. Like I did then Gemini, you must do this month, and pay little heed to the advice of others. It’s time to chart your own course over the many pit-falls and booby traps the world will continually throw your way like a wanton and sadistic PE teacher. A fool’s hope is better than no hope lovey, and fool’s gold is the best gold of all. Now get out there and seek it! But be warned the romance of the road can soon fade after the lack of a few regular meals and a comfortable pillow to rest your head and dream your dreams on a rainy, windswept night.

Cancer 

Apparently it is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. Having spent considerable time in both destinations, I would say each side of the argument has its plus points. Decisions you make this month Cancer will have far-reaching consequences. I wouldn’t like to go as far as to say your immortal soul is in jeopardy, but think carefully before you act.  The flapping of a butterfly’s wings can cause a storm in some far corner of the world, and eating that insanely strong curry tonight may not exactly go down well with your work-mates tomorrow when you get a touch of the ‘Deli Belly’ and stink out the office to high Heaven. We are what we eat my friend so maybe you should opt for less of the exotic and spicy and more of the stodgy and bland, if you want to fit in with that grey and dreary crowd you spend nine to five with. 

Leo 

Huge blue beings that tower over you and talk in a foreign tongue that sounds both enchanting and intoxicating to your ears haunt your dreams this month don’t they Leo? Are you perhaps going insane or perhaps you have watched the film Avatar one too many times? To be frank I don’t care one way or the other, I’m just here to warn you that an old acquaintance from the past will darken your door with their unwelcome presence this month. That’s got you feeling rather nervous hasn’t it Leo? Cast your mind back to that crazy drunken night in Porthcawl last Summer. How much do you really remember? There was definitely a person dressed as a clown giggling hysterically, an Elvis impersonator singing ‘All Shook Up’, and a drag queen walking about with a traffic cone on there head telling all and sundry they were a dalek on a mission of goodwill, but apart from that It’s all a bit of blur isn’t it you old rouge? Think carefully and try to piece together the jigsaw of that night if you are to make some sense of the days and events to come. 

Virgo 

You’re at the cutting edge of things this month Virgo, but you may find yourself looking a tad ridiculous trying to use a blunt saw for a job that requires a sharp rapier. At times you feel not unlike a caged beast trying to hack its way through the bars with nothing but a mouth full of rotting teeth, yet now is the time for liberation not hesitation Virgo. For far too long you’ve let other people’s prejudices and preconceptions restrain and repress you, but what good is a life not lived my dear? It’s time to go the whole hog and become that alter-ego of your vastly intricate and detailed dream world. Yes there will be mockery, and yes there will be ridicule, but who are they to say you cannot go through your days as an unholy hybrid of Rupert the Bear and Darth Vader with a passion for riding penny farthings. Live the dream Virgo, for your reality seems a bit of a nightmare. 

Libra 

Libra you red-faced, hollow eyed lush, don’t you know that when mercury is in your mouth it isn’t all that good for you. Well this month the smallest planet in the Solar System is in your Uranus and what do you think this means you sozzled little shit? It means a trip to the dentist is in order to get those amalgam fillings you had put in over three decades ago finally taken out. It’s all very well drinking around the clock to numb the pain, but your teeth realy are in a dreadful old state. Are you aware that on those rare occasions when you do smile, it resembles a Victorian graveyard that has just taken a direct hit from a nuclear warhead? The truth can often be as plain as a pikestaff, but sometimes, metaphorically speaking, it takes a person with a big stick to repeatedly hit you over the head before you see sense. We’re all in the gutter Libra, but some of us are looking up at the stars. They’re quite bright aren’t they. Well just remember you old goat, all that glitters is not gold and no-one likes a a know it all. Think carefully the next time you want to disagree with someone this month and ask yourself the following question, “Perhaps it is I who am the idiot?”

Scorpio 

Do you know Scorpio you little tart, once when I was sharing a can of Spam and bottle of tesco value whiskey with my loathsome friend Bob Dylan on a hunting expedition, I said to the excitable troubodour, “How many deer you killed today shit-kicker?” The frizzy haired fool looked at me in that moronic manner of his before replying in his croaky and asthmatic whinge, “Elderflower my good sir. I pay in blood but not my own.” How do you think I handled such a situation Scorpio? My first reaction was to turn purple with rage and club that sarky bitch over the head with my can of spam. However, I’m a wise man at heart and walk a higher path so I chose to completely ignore the mealy mouthed fool and all of his inane ramblings. You too much relaise that ignorance is bliss this month Scorpio, because many a fool will be sent to test you before the 30 days are over. But look on the brightside my little insect, you’ll finally find out if those anger management classes you took earlier this year have worked. Now restrain yourself you tit! 

Sagittarius 

You are shining like a radiant star this month Sagittarius, but in all your glittering glory and beguiling razzle and dazzle be careful you don’t accidentally topple from your fragile perch in the Heavens of the carefree and fall ungracefully to earth with a hoarse sounding thud.  A whole host of bitter and envious so-called friends are waiting impatiently in the wings to mock and gloat any misfortune that should come your way my dear. So I would advise you this month to fight fire with fire and put the boot in first. As any boy scout worth his salt knows, if you ‘fail to prepare, prepare to fail.’ Why not invite all those who plot so treacherously against you to a KFC night? No-one will suspect anything naughty of anyone generous enough to offer them a ‘bucket’ of finger-licking goodness. They’re not to know it’s been generously laced with laxatives are they my paranoid little pet. 

Capricorn

 It’s time to pull your head out of the sand Capricorn. This month you must make an effort to confront your obsession with celebrity figures such as Cheryl Cole. Yes such people have fame and riches beyond compare, and admittedly, maybe the only material things you’ve got that Cheryl hasn’t is a bad case of cellulite and a wardrobe consisting solely of Primark’s Summer range. Yet is money the be all and end all you old goat? A renowned multi-millionaire once said to me over a pint of opium or two in St Lucia, ‘The best things in life are free Elderflower.’ He then passed out and I emptied the contents of his wallet to fund the plane flight home. What lesson is there to be learnt in all this Capricorn? You must discover that for yourself, but one thing is for certain, it’s time to put away that copy of Hello magazine and ask yourself who you really are and what you really want? I feel a little chat with the man in the mirror is in order my dear. 

Aquarius 

Animals will play a big part in your life in the coming months Aquarius. In fact you will feel like a regular Dr Dolittle as the pathway to your house becomes riddled with dog excrement from the gentle Great Dane who lives down the road. You will step in it often on the way to work and come the third Thursday of this month you will trip and fall flat in your face into a freshly laid pile of big ole ‘Brutus’s’ waste product. It will not taste pleasant! Our feline friends will also pose many problems for you this month dear as they rip apart your bin bags and reveal to the cold light of dawn and all your curious neighbours, the discarded stained underwear and lurid magazines you perhaps should have burnt. But I beg you my cold curious fish, be on your guard, for the town in which you live will become infiltrated this month with a vicious and vile type of cow that will demand their pound of flesh and pint of blood. They are an ancient breed and their number is many.     

Pisces 

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, and now that your sinking in a quagmire of your own devising, that old chestnut rings all too true doesn’t it my little bonehead. Caution is a word you can’t understand isn’t it Pisces, you’re like a fish who can never resist the bait. But when you’re being reeled in hook, line, and sinker, whilst flapping around helplessly, it doesn’t seem so clever does it? Prudence should be your watchword this month lovey. You’re in a bit of a mess at the moment dear, but there is a light at the end of this particularly dark, dank, and slime-encrusted tunnel. It’s called the national lottery. Heed my words of advice Pisces and go buy yourself exactly 32 lucky dips. Jog on now darling. 

Be sure all you terrible twats tune in next month to find out what December, the festive month, has in store for you all. Ciao for now chumps! 

The Dark Art of Trainspotting

The word 'trainspotter' instantly conjures up images of bespectacled, anorak-clad obsessives but what is the truth behind the dark art of trainspotting?

Like a time between times, a world between worlds, train stations are by definition transitory places where people either leave or arrive. Nearly everyone has at one time another experienced the soul destroying ennui that rail passengers are forced to endure as they hang suspended in the cold, grey and vacuous limbo of no-man's land that constitutes the windswept and chilly platform. Yet to a select and much-maligned few, who form a secret society which guards its ‘secrets’ with all the zeal of Freemasons, the dreariness and desolation of railway stations are transformed into an enchanted and magical kingdom. A fairy-tale land where the train becomes an 'iron horse' pioneering a path into brave new worlds, where the fumes of a locomotive tantalize the senses with the scent of unsolved mystery, and where the roar of an engine is transformed by some strange alchemy into a sublime symphony heralding untold delights.

The Golden Age of Steam

Nothing quite quickens the blood and enflames the passions of this rare breed of men who religiously refer to themselves as ‘train enthusiasts’ and never the more derogatory ‘trainspotter’, than the romance and nostalgia inherent in the form and force of a vintage steam train. Whether you’re a train enthusiast or not, few people can remain unmoved by the sight of these rolling monuments to another age pulling liveried coaches across open country. Think for a minute of the sublime splendor and rolling thunder of the Orient Express and the haunting ‘choo choo’ noise that an old steam engine makes as it hurtles down the track, forever disappearing into and emerging from clouds of its own smoke.

A former steam engine driver once told me how on any given day he could walk through the relatively large town centre in Wales, UK, where he grew up and worked in the first part of the twentieth century and every other person he bumped into would be a railway worker of some description. The man, who is now in his nineties, described how when he was a child every young boy wanted to grow up and become a steam engine driver and how the combination of steam, train, and tracks formed a secret brotherhood where men referred to one another has ‘Born railway-men with ‘Trains in their blood’. Yet by the same token the old train driver was quick to dismiss not only train enthusiasts but also the modern day railway-men whose trains replaced the last of the steam engines in the late 1950s. He called the new breed with a dismissive shrug of his shoulders, “Men cut from a different cloth who were not of the same calibre,” whilst he snorted with contempt at the train enthusiasts, explaining, “They may think they know about trains but until they have hurtled down the tracks in the early hours of the morning going hell for leather in a ‘Great Western’ you haven’t lived.”

The Birth of the Trainspotter

The train enthusiast has become a modern day leper, a figure of such ridicule that even the drivers of the trains whose serial numbers they so covet, pour a certain degree of scorn upon their heads. It’s time to sift the actual facts about trainspotting from the murk and myth of public misconception.

The first recorded person in history to harness the might and magic of steam was the Greek scientist Heron way back in the first century.

Many moons later Richard Trevithick got the ball rolling in earnest by building the first full-size steam road locomotive in 1801 and naming it the “Puffing Devil”.

Three years later the world's first locomotive-hauled railway journey took place along the nine mile stretch between the ironworks at Pen-y-Darron and Merthyr Tydfil in Wales.

The groundwork was complete, the stage was set and it wasn’t long before a lone figure with a thermos flask, a waterproof anorak, some jam sandwiches and a trusty notebook and pen appeared on the scene.

Trainspotting as we know it today probably began in the 1930s but it really picked up its stride and hit the ground running in the late 40s and early 50s, before reaching the dizzying peaks of its heyday in the 1960s. Trainspotting consists of bearing witness to and writing down the serial numbers of locomotives. This may sound strange, but a train enthusiast’s ultimate ambition is to see with their own eyes each and every train in the country and note down each individual number in a little black book. Enthusiasts will quite literally chase a train out of a station in a desperate bid to record any number they may have missed. For anyone lucky enough not to have seen this hysterical horde in action as it stampedes down the platform - it truly is the most unusual sight. In Great Britain, the mecca for train enthusiasts is Clapham Junction - the country’s busiest station and a safe haven for like-minded souls to converge and quite simply - spot!

The Death of the Trainspotter

They have always been a rare breed but with each passing year their number grows fewer still.

With steam engines consigned to history over half a century ago, successive generations have been born into a period in time which has never been exposed to the mystery and magic of these chugging beasts from another era. (The engines that is, not the enthusiasts.)

The question is will the future render train enthusiasts obsolete as they finally run out of steam? Or will their obscure obsessions be born again in the youth of tomorrow as man engineers new modes of transport and new ways to travel. Will there ever exist such an entity as the space shuttle enthusiast I wonder? Or do they already walk among us, waiting until their number is many and their will is strong before they make their play?

Songs of Steam - A Top Ten of Classic Hits Referring to Trains

Believe it or not there are actual old vinyl records which can be acquired by the more discerning train enthusiast - the grooves of which feature nothing but the noise of steam trains.

To give you an idea of what exactly we are dealing with, a few of the more popular titles include ‘Railways Remembers’, ‘Sounds of the Steam Age’, ‘Farewell to the Deltics Steam’, and even, now don’t laugh, ‘Steam Engines in Distress’.

Now it’s no secret that the old American Bluesmen have a grand tradition of imitating the distinctive rhythm of the train on their trusty harps. Due to freight train hopping, and all the other opportunities the great railway tracks of the world epitomized, the train, especially in the early part of the twentieth century, symbolized both the travel and freedom, which would later become associated with the car. Quite naturally train imagery features in many songs. Here are some of the better known ones.

1. Train In Vain - The Clash

2. Orange Blossom Special - Johnny Cash

3. Big Railroad Blues - Grateful Dead

4. Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne

5. Hear My Train a’ Coming - Jimi Hendrix

6. Homeward Bound - Simon and Garfunkel

7. It Takes a Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry - Bob Dylan

8. Jumping Someone Else’s Train - The Cure

9. Last Train to Clarksville - The Monkees

10. Night Train - James Brown

Famous Sons of Steam

Was Elvis a secret trainspotter? 

Some of trainspotting's more famous advocates include Monty Python’s Michael Palin and the poet WH Auden, who penned the famous line, 'This is the night train crossing the border ....'

Alfred Hitchcock was also a train obsessive and you can spot them often in his films, especially the 39 Steps. Perhaps even the King of rock and roll himself Mr Elvis Presley was enamored of trains himself as a young man. For in his 1954 song Mystery Train the deep yearning and longing in the King's voice is apparent as he sings about the mysterious train that is '16 coaches long', and always elusively and forever 'coming round the bend', but never quite arriving. A song which poignantly sums up that terrible predicament of standing on a platform, notebook in hand or not, and anxiously awaiting that eternal train in vain.