12 starsigns! One You! Behold Your Destiny Fools!

Dee truth shall set ye free!

The future is a funny thing, as soon as you think you’ve got your hands on it, it turns with a wink of an eye into a present you just can’t unwrap. What’s more, before you know it, it turns its back on you, dumps you without a second thought and struts away like a slightly psychopathic mistress into the past. 

Yet the terrible and tyrannical hand of time is but an affliction for us mere mortals to contend with, for demi-gods and super-heroes such as the Epiphany Inferno’s part-time, semi-professional astrologer - Earl Elderflower, time is but a plaything they can travel through like a hot knife through butter. 

Join this half-crazed mad sage as laughs in the face of destiny, tears a new hole in the cosmos and peers inside to see exactly what the month of January has in store for you. 

Aries - Life could be a dream oh fiery Aries, if only you would swallow your pride and take a reliable cure for the insomnia that has plagued you for many a moon now. These sleepless nights will just not do my little horned ram. Tiredness is taking its toll, making your appearance haggard, your mood dark, your temper short and your tolerance levels nonexistent. I’m afraid you’re all shagged out my restless darling and a little more sleep and a little less stimulation is the best thing for you this coming month.  

Taurus - You do not suffer fools gladly Taurus, instead, you welcome them with open arms as they gleefully stab you without mercy and without remorse in your half-witted and naive little back.  A few choice words and a charming smile from a mysterious Russian who used to work for the KGB will have you all of a flutter in McDonalds this month, as he kindly offers to pay for your Big Mac meal. Yet think you air-headed fool, where do his real intentions lay? 

Gemini - It’s Friday night and the lights are low and unfortunately so too are you Gemini. But have you really nowhere to go? For God’s sake pull yourself together, put on your dancing shoes and paint the town red. You’ll wake up in the morning like a bear with a sore head with no memory of the night before and a healthy dose of self-loathing to boot, but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that for one evening at least you really did try and set the night on fire.

Cancer - Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow. And what did you do Cancer? You put it in the oven and ate it with a few choice new potatoes and a sprinkling of parsley. Shame on you, you rampant carnivore. In all seriousness however, this month those born under the sign of the crab are guilty of trying to put a little too much on their plate. Your eyes are bigger than your stomach dear, so I suggest you question what it is you truly desire before you stuff yourself silly.

Leo - The times they are a’ changing proud Leo, but your wardrobe sadly isn’t. In this post-modern age we are all fond of a bit of retro clothing dear, but that faded floral frock and green Wellington's I saw you parading around Waitrose in last Tuesday just won’t wash I’m afraid. Fashion is a passion Leo and to feel like a million dollars you’ve got to look the part. I suggest you dress to impress if you’re really serious about getting your clammy little hands on you know who. 

Virgo - I’m not going to pussyfoot around the bush with you this month Virgo because you’re worth more than that. As my old friend and regular drinking buddy Mr T once said to me, “Shape up sucker! The kid-gloves are off and it’s time to get real.” Is there a certain judgmental someone in your life who is draining all the energy out of you like a monstorous leech? Well maybe, just maybe, it’s time be who you really are, even if it is a six-footed, muscle-bound drag queen with a penchant for little Prada dresses. 

Libra - This month you feel like you’re walking on water and floating on air my likable Libra. Well bully for you, because in the throes of self-indulgent ecstasy have you ever stopped to consider that some of us are being metaphorically dragged across broken glass and drowning in sorrow. No? Well just maybe you should. Of late your selfish streak has not gone unnoticed my dear and people are starting to talk. Beware this month of a lottery syndicate who seek to exclude you from their big win and bring you down to earth with a bump.

Scorpio -  It’s like a jungle our their Scorpio, except the beasts are even uglier. Yet you cannot hide yourself away in royal seclusion forever dear. It’s been three days of solitude now and the voices in your head are becoming a little too real aren’t they sweetheart. Perhaps today is the day to draw back the curtains and let the world in. My advice to you this month would be to empty the ashtrays, pour what’s left in the bottles down the sink, take out the trash, do the dishes, greet the dawn and start anew. 

Sagittarius - What a crooked web you weave Sagittarius. Yet like an ancient and bloated spider who has gorged themselves senseless on the blood of helpless lifeforms, you have become nauseous of all the plotting, backstabbing and political intrigue that you once considered your forte. Perhaps It’s time to do away with all the Machiavellian manipulation and opt for the simple life lovey. There is a primitive joy to be found in being as straightforward and direct as an uncultivated savage from the primordial swamp -  even if it does mean being blacklisted from everyone’s social calendar. 

Capricorn - It seems doom and gloom accompany you everywhere like two old friends at times doesn’t it Capricorn? Well cheer up you stroppy mare because this month you might just win big on the gee gees. But to win big you have to bet big. Now is not the time for prudence you old goat. Splash the cash and invest the rest on the gamble of a lifetime and maybe this time next week you’ll be a lot richer, sitting beside the pool in some sun-kissed exotic location and moaning about the heat. 

Aquarius - Poor Aquarius, an unfortunate drunken incident in a chinese restaurant has left you squirming in embarrassment and broken up in a million different pieces this month, hasn’t it? But please stop tormenting yourself by replaying those mental images of yourself naked and drunk, whilst dancing on that table and singing. We’ve all seen the video on You Tube dear and yes, while there is an awful lot to be perpetually squeamish and shamed into silence about, it’s very much a case of c’est la vie! Get over it and move on you drunken cow. 

Pisces - Dear me Pisces it seem the word ‘Recession’ is not in your vocabulary. You’ve maxed your credit cards, overdrawn your overdraft and basically thrown all caution to the wind. Yet be warned my little fish, the devil always collects and that huge plasma screen, distressed leather sofa, and state of the art sunbed you frivolously purchased in a split-second of wild abandon will come back to bite you on the butt this month. Do not fret too much though dear, once everything has been repossessed you will still be left with a bright orange glow from the excessive use of that sunbed which will shortly be in the caring hands of the bailiffs. 

Remember! It’s never over until the fat lady sings. See all you mystical bastards next month for another generous slice of realer than real astrology.