Christmas Horoscopes With Earl Elderflower

It’s Christmas time, and there’s no need to be afraid, unless of course you’re a prize turkey waiting to be plucked, stuffed, roasted and dished up on a plate surrounded by pigs in blankets and hot potatoes. But putting that little ‘poultry’ matter to one side, it’s best not to dwell on the grim fate which awaits our little feathered friends every Yuletide. So why not join Earl Elderflower instead as he aggressively rubs his crystal ball and finds out exactly what the stars have in store for you this Christmas.

Merry Christmas stargazers. Remember, if you’re drinking don’t drive, don’t even putt!

Aries 

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And so to do you my little Aries.
Except yours has nothing to do with Christmas cheer and festive spirit, but more to do with the streams of Whiskey you were pouring down your greedy gullet like there was no tomorrow.
People with drink problems often thrive during the holiday season don’t they dear. It’s one of the few times of year it’s considered acceptable to blot out reality with a bottle under the all inclusive excuse of “getting into the spirit of things.” Except getting into the “spirit of things” with you involves slightly more than a few sherries and a mince pie doesn’t it my sozzled little sausage? Downing brandy by the bottle, gin by the gallon and lying bewildered and befuddled in a white dress stained with red wine, whilst crying into a half-eaten kebab beneath an artificial Xmas tree, was truly a pathetic sight Aries. I suggest next year you get less into the ‘spirit’ of things and more into the spiritual. Now do one and take the tinsel off on the way out you dozy little tart!

Taurus 

It will soon be the new year and a time of new beginnings my bewildered bull. So take that wretched, constipated look off your face and try and raise a smile you old hag. My old hog racing nemesis Sir Cliff of Richard once snarled at me in between bouts of chronic diarrhoea caused by ingesting grotesque amounts of Mistletoe and Wine, “Why Elderflower Why!” Did I answer his existential dilemma Taurus? Did I Hell, I just slowly walked away and left the petty prince of pop to fester in his own torrid puddle of filth and paranoia. That wasn’t very charitable of me was it I hear you cry! Well neither was the legion of festive number ones that Cliff has inflicted on our ears over the years. I hope this lovely winter’s tale of mine has warmed your heart and brought a ghost of a smile to those mean and narrow lips of yours. Yet somehow I doubt it. You’re so mean you make medicine sick my ill-tempered bovine brute. However, fear not, for there is a remedy at hand. I suggest you butcher a pig on the sabbath and eat it’s uncooked bladder in the light of the first full moon of the month and see if this improves your mood somewhat. Have a good one!

Gemini 

Last Christmas you gave him your heart didn’t you Gemini? And what did he do with it the very next day? Why he threw it away of course, alongside the stained bedding and empty bottles of Vodka. Next year, to save you from tears, I suggest you give it to someone special - like medical research perhaps! Only joking you old slapper! So don’t just sit their stewing in a broth of self-pity like a dour dumpling with nowhere to go. You’re far too sensitive for your own good and you need to develop some thick skin to go with that thick head of yours. As my old hairdresser Noddy Holder once roared at me before disappearing in a puff of blue smoke and leaving nothing but a small pork pie in his wake, “Mama we’re all crazy now!”  So what are you waiting for dear! Why sit there with a face like thunder when you can shine in the sun. Look to the future now it’s only just began little Gemini. But a word of caution my dear, if you are thinking of hanging up your stockings on a wall, just be careful to leave your knickers on, we don’t what a repeat performance of last year now do we.

Cancer 

It’s very much a case of sun, sea and sand for you this month Cancer. However, after you’ve finished drawling through the holiday brochures and dreaming of having enough money for a month in St Lucia, you may want to pull open the curtains and say hello to a little friend of mine called ‘Reality’. My local butcher who is incidentally a yank and used to go by the name of MC Hammer, once said to me whilst casually gutting a freshly butchered pig,  “Elderflower my man it’s all about keeping it real. I used to make the dollar through music, now I’m hustling a buck in the meat market.” Looking at him incredulously as he furtively popped a pig testicle in his mouth and yelled at me, “You can’t touch this!” I thought then what I am telling you now my little crab - some things are better left alone.    

                     

Leo

You must decide what you want this month Leo. The carrot or the stick. For someone whose star-sign is a proud lion you’ve been behaving a lot like a dumb donkey of late. I guess what I’m trying to say is, put down the microphone for god’s sake. You’re no singer. Your incessant braying is beginning to sound like an over-excited Gary Barlow - the mad mancunian tyrant whose dirge about ruling the world just makes me want me say “Take That!” as I throw a mug of chicken and mushroom cup-a-soup in his fat angelic face.You see Leo! You see what your attempts at singing do, it destroys a man’s equilibrium and leads him to commit rash acts. It’s time to shut up. The only amplification that would suit the torrid tones of your voice is a job as a train announcer on some deserted windswept platform. Now get off the mic wannabe!

Virgo

Keep an eye on your spending this month Virgo. My advice would be to let other people do it for you and save yourself the bother. Money is the root of all evil so why not wash your hands of it and live a pampered and luxurious life as a kept woman. If you can find someone rich fool willing to indulge your every whim, then maybe you should grab the opportunity before your looks fade and your youth is but a distant memory on the summer breeze. You’ve never been all that blessed in the brains department have we dear, but it’s all about maximizing your assets. So shake your booty and grab the looty while you still can. And if all else fails pole dancing pays well but the hours are a bit unsocial. Perhaps I’ll see you in the club. But just you remember dear, Earl Elderflower never tips, he just fulfils prophecies.

Libra 

Be careful the month Libra. People are watching you and monitoring your every word. They’re called the CIA and they don’t mess around. A tad worried are we dear? Well you certainly should be. Hacking into the Pentagon was not the best way to work off a roast dinner on a quiet Sunday afternoon. We are in a pickle aren’t we. It all seemed so innocuous at the time and a bit of a challenge to infiltrate their state of the art computer system didn’t it lovey. Well who’s laughing now? No-one except the Mad Hatter and he’s having a tea party in your honour you mad little moron. Will you choose to attend  I wonder or will you be somewhat indisposed in a maximum security federal prison on the other side of the pond.  Here come the men in black Libra and I’ve got a feeling they want to do a little more than dance.

Scorpio

If anyone tells you not to rock the boat this month Scorpio. Ask them why not? It’s probably because they are a cowardly character who couldn’t stand up to a light wind. My old cake baking buddy John Wayne once snarled at me whilst delicately adding the icing to a sponge, “Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway. Now get on the damned horse and ride forth Earl.” Well, what do you think I did Scorpio? I jumped right on, yelled “giddy-up” and have been on the hard trail of the uncompromising and unforgiving path ever since. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s this, when some jumped up little toe-rag with a headful of hate and a mouthful of moan tries to lay down the law like a half-baked  despot, don’t just rock the boat, capsize it and clear out the deadwood.

Sagittarius 

A big mouth can get you into trouble but it can’t get you out. Your past is catching up with you fast this month Sagittarius, nipping at your heels like a vicious little Jack Russell and barking, “Hello! Remember me? I’m the thing you thought you abandoned in a plastic bag on the corner of Memory Lane.” It’s going to get ugly this month my dear. Forewarned is forearmed and you’ll need more than a couple of nuclear warheads to deal with the arsenal that disgruntled acquaintances are accumulating to attack you in the days ahead. You’ve played too many people off against each other for far too long and now payment is due my little puppet-master. At least one of your two-faces will have to square-up to the music this coming month Sagittarius and it won’t be pretty.

Capricorn

Are we watching the clock this month Capricorn? Time isn’t something to store away for a rainy day like a miser with his money you know. It’s something most of us use with wild abandon in a carefree and throwaway manner. You can’t invest the seconds of your present into a trust-fund for your future because the future is already here dumb ass and its just become the past, as you’re trying to make sense of these nonsensical lines.  My old choirboy mucker Bob Dylan one said to me as he was getting dressed in his finest frock for Sunday mass at St Mary’s, “Elderflower you unholy imbecile, what time is love?” Eyeing the tone deaf loser contemptuously, I snarled, “Shut it Zimmerman you talentless tart. The times the are a changing.” Now I’m giving the same advice to you this month my little goat. Shape up or ship out.

Aquarius 

Where do rainbows come from Aquarius? And where can I find the elusive pot of gold to keep the wolves from my door. I’m only asking because everything is a happy ending for you this month! But be warned, life is no fairy-tale my dear and as my old farmyard buddy Goldilocks once said to me inbetween ruthlessly snapping the necks of countless turkeys, “Elderflower, I lost the taste for happy-ever-afters at the same time I lost my taste for porridge. Those bears were brutal and gave me the sort of reality check I won’t ever forget.” Do you understand what Goldilocks was saying my friend? Life can be a bowl of cherries but all fruit turns sour and when it does it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth that’s hard to shake. Enjoy the good times while they last dear, because hell and all its hounds are always waiting just around the corner to pounce and tear you apart slowly, little by little and piece by piece.

Pisces 

As sure as night follows day, beauty must always walk before the beast Pisces, so if you wouldn’t mind holding that door open for me my fruity little fish, I’d me much obliged. “Where am I going dear?”  Well, as far away from you as possible lovey! Isn’t that blindingly obvious? “But I haven’t cast your horrorscope for the month?” Well boo hoo dear! Life’s a bitch hey? Well in the spirit of pity, let me leave you with a few choice words of advice. You see that thing slowly revolving around you? No! It’s not the world, it’s a dung fly dear.That’s what happens when you wallow in your own muck for too long. Honestly Pisces, of late you really have started to reek of the gutter. Addiction may be a glamorous accessory for the grotesque pantomime parade of the rich and famous, but for the likes of everyday folk Pisces, it’s like wearing a t-shirt with the slogan, ‘Don’t come near me I’m toxic filth’ written on it. Or even worse, it’s like being a Florence and the Machine fan - unexplainable, upsetting, unnecessary and best avoided. It’s time to clean up your act Pisces. I for one have had enough of this charade and suggest you make like my good friend Bo Beep and get the ‘flock’ out of here!