Nicolas Cage - “It Sucks to be Me! I Wanted to be James Dean”

Don't Cage me in!

Spare a thought for the thinking person’s thespian Nicolas Cage. He may have millions in the bank, live in a palace and proudly boast of playing the lead role in a terrifying number of cinematic abominations, but the puppy-eyed sad Zack with a face that looks like it was carved somewhat crudely out of dough has recently lamented that, “It really sucks to be famous right now.” 

The Hollywood maverick also announced tearfully during a talk at the South By South West (SXSW) festival in Austin, Texas., "I started acting because I wanted to be James Dean. . I saw him in Rebel Without a Cause, East of Eden. Nothing affected me - no rock song, no classical music - the way Dean affected me in Eden. It blew my mind. I was like, 'That's what I want to do'.” 

In other words, like most unhinged malcontents who struggle desperately with the concept of reality, Cage wanted to pretend to be other people from an early age and dress it up as high art. 

The Face/Off actor went on to add somewhat cryptically and for no particular reason, “This was before everyone had a thing called a Smartphone, and before the advent of the ‘celebtard - just being famous for famous' sake.” 

Oh dear, looks like the aging artist is having what could be a very entertaining mid-life meltdown. Words to the wise young Nicholas. It also sucks to be poor, hungry, homeless and trapped in a soul-destroying job you despise. 

Yet Nicolas Cage’s biggest beef is the media intrusion into the lives of sensitive thespians, which he believes often overshadows the quality and integrity of their ‘art’. 

Like a vicious caged dog, the angry theatrical tart snarled, “In the LA Times, the critic who reviewed Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, incorporated how many homes I bought or sold into the review."

The angry actor continued to rage inconsolably and lamented, "What the hell does Lindsay Lohan's personal life have to do with her performance in The Canyons? It should always be about the work itself. What difference does it make if Bill Clinton had an affair - how does that affect his performance as President?

"In my opinion, I don't want to see personal aspects of someone's life eclipse the work itself."

It’s a hard life Mr Cage, so stop your whining, or people will cruelly point out that if it wasn’t for your ‘famous’ uncle, Mr Francis Ford Coppola, the world may have never enjoyed experiencing the rare delights of your acting abilities in the first place.