Apps for Androids!

With the Android army growing in numbers every day in the UK, let's take a look at the ten best free apps available for these tablets which are guaranteed to make you go "droid!" 

Twitter 

Got something to say? Then write a book! But if you haven't got the time or patience to write something worth reading then the Twitter app on Android is just the ticket. With the Twitter app you can discover what's happening, what matters to you, and communicate easily by writing extremely banal and cryptic sentences which no one really reads. 

National Rail Enquiries 

Train timetables can be a thing of beauty if you like that sort of thing, but if you don't they're a terrible bore. With the National Rail Enquires app you can liberate yourself from the horror of standing on a windswept platform and asking a grumpy alcoholic what time the next train to Barnsley is due. With this app you can conveniently plan your journeys and get notifications of delays. 

UK Jobs 

You can't lounge around all day playing Angry Birds forever you know. It all costs money and to fund the lifestyle of a true tech geek you need a steady source of income. UK Jobs provides a database of jobs throughout Britain. And who knows? This time next year you could be renting jet skis in Clacton-on-Sea. 

Facebook 

We live in an age where vicarious existence is king. Most people who use Facebook regularly will not understand what that means, but not to worry they have thousands of 'special friends' so it doesn't really matter. If you wish to keep in touch with strangers you've never met and spy on friends you despise then Facebook for Android is the app for you. It allows you to communicate in real time you know. 

Last.Fm 

The only thing better than listening to the pop genius of One Direction is listening to One Direction for free. The Last.fm app allows you to do this by streaming great music straight to your android and all for nowt. Now you cannot get much more boom for your buck than that my friend. 

Google Sky Map 

If you see UFOs on a regular basis and converse daily with aliens, then chances are you need medical help. But if you have a passing interest in the night skies and little green men then the Google Sky Map will definitely float your boat. Aim your Android at the sky and it will use its orientation tools to accurately represent the stars and planets on your screen. With this clever little app you'll learn to tell the difference between Uranus and a passing rocket in no time. 

Google Maps Navigation 

If you continually find yourself lost and wandering through the dark and dense labyrinth of your own tortured mind, Google Maps Navigation will not be able to help you, but if you're struggling to find your way around the one way system in Milton Keynes it's a god send. Such apps may have decimated the satnav industry, but how can you say no to something that still works even when your GPS signal fades out? 

Flickr 

A picture paints a thousand words, but what is the true worth of anything in the internet age if you cannot instantly upload it to the web and earn bragging rights? You may not have David Bailey's talent but Flickr at least gives you a fraction of his exposure. With this app you can instantly share your snaps on Facebook, and less we forget, Twitter as well. 

RAC Traffic 

Arterial blockages can be a right royal pain in the butt, but you can kick them into touch with RAC Traffic. It allows you to stay one step ahead by alerting you instantly to traffic conditions in your area. With this app can feel like a king of the road and smile as smugly as Jeremy Clarkson as you cunningly avoid congestion and stick your fingers up at any passing cyclists. 

BBC News

You pay your license so you may as well get your money's worth. If anything newsworthy happens chances are it'll appear on the BBC news app. It's sleek, shiny and best of all you can submit your own news tip and tell the beeb where its going wrong.

Let’s get the hell out of Europe!

You don’t have to be to quote David Cameron, “a British isolationist” to want to quit the EU, you just need to have a little common sense.  

In his recent speech on Europe David Cameron said, “There are always voices saying: ‘Don't ask the difficult questions.’” And fair play judging by the piss poor content of his half-baked rant, the boy wonder certainly seems to have listened to them there voices.

During his eagerly dreaded tirade, written incidentally by raven haired poet and former ice-cream seller Clare Foges, Cameron carefully skirted around the real facts of why so many people in the UK want Britain to get the hell out of the EU. 

And it’s not because we’re British isolationists, fully paid up members of UKIP, or to quote Cameron, people who want to “pull up the drawbridge and retreat from the world.” It’s because when something looks like bullshit, smells like bullshit, and tastes like bullshit, nine times out of ten, it is bullshit. 

And the EU, much like Cameron’s speech, definitely has a slight odour of flatulence and tangible whiff of sulphur about it. Here’s the crunch. If you haven’t got an opinion on Britain’s involvement in the EU then you should. Why? Because it costs us as a country roughly £50 million a day to be a part of this great and redundant organisation. 

That’s right! 50 million! We haven’t just given our sovereignty away we’re paying the fat cats in Brussels a small fortune for the privilege. and the best part in all of this is, wait for it,  we’re actually borrowing money to remain a member of the EU. 

So now you know exactly how much it costs to be shafted senseless, perhaps you can justify this criminal expense with a few of the huge perks and benefits that a country garners from being a member of the EU. You can’t can you? Or if you can there’ll be quickly nullified by some of the realties of what actually goes on in Brussels behind closed doors.

Our forefathers fought hard and long in this country for the right to elect and dismiss those who make our laws, but the EU represents a governmental institution which is undemocratic, lacking in accountability and stuffed with two bob bureaucrats obsessed with rules and regulations. 

We the people give parliament the right to make our laws through informed debate, but we never signed up for them to give those powers away, and that’s exactly what happened when Britain joined the EU. We were sold down the river and betrayed. 

The UK’s commercial, agricultural and industrial sectors are all controlled by Brussels. As are our social, labour, environmental and foreign trade sectors. ‘How is this so?’ You may well demand. Well simply put, Britain has nine percent of the votes in the Council of Ministers. Now because you need 30 percent to block a new law, our government ca be outvoted every time by the member states, even on laws that out detrimental to our country.

If we don’t then implement these laws, Britain faces unlimited fines in the Luxembourg Court of Justice. In effect Parliament can scrutinise and debate EU legislation, but unless change is unanimously voted for by all member states we cannot alter a single word of it. We either accept or reject, and as we all well know, when it comes to defending the UK’s rights, parliament usually simpers and swallows. 

This situation which is a nightmare in itself, is not helped by the fact that corruption is rife within the EU. Has there ever been such a hot bed of unelected fraudsters, free-loaders and crooks? It really is the mecca for every failed and corrupt politician ever spat into creation. “Much like the house of commons!” I hear you cry. Except at least our motley lot of depraved imbeciles remain partially in the public eye.  

Defenders of the EU will always hark on about the benefits. But what are they and why has no government ever has done a cost-benefit analysis and presented us with some clear cut figures why the EU is our friend and not our master? What benefits are there to be had from the EU that there aren’t to be had under old fashioned collaboration between governments and free trade arrangements? 

The answer is really quite simple. The EU presents a massive source of income and huge amount of power for a privileged few with vested interests and a raw deal for the rest of us suckers. 

We actually buy a lot more from the EU than we sell to them. So if we left they’d soon come running cap in hand and beg us to sign a free trade agreement, which would enable us to maintain our present position without the shackles which bind us to Brussels.  

The majority of us are forced into accepting the current set of conditions, because if we dare question them, we’re labelled small minded Britons by the Eurocrats who kid themselves that without the EU, Europe and the UK would descend into a hellish chaos similar to that of the Second World War. 

It won’t! Any rational explanation of the facts will tell you that. What ruined Greece? The Euro did. And just a cursory look at many of the other countries in the Eurozone will tell you that the Brussels mafia has failed miserably, but that hasn’t stopped the EU voting in favour of compulsory teaching of the 'advantages' of EU membership in schools. God give us strength. 

Cameron said in his speech, “It is time for the British people to have their say. It is time to settle this European question in British politics.” The radical firebrand then announced solemnly, “I say to the British people: this will be your decision.”

Great we thought! the old snake has a backbone, but in the time honured tradition of doublespeak, wavy Davey apologetically whimpered, “Some argue that the solution is therefore to hold a straight in-out referendum now. But I don't believe that to make a decision at this moment is the right way forward, either for Britain or for Europe as a whole.”

So pray tell young David why exactly is that? 

The slick statesman simpered, “A vote today between the status quo and leaving would be an entirely false choice. There is a gap between the EU and its citizens which has grown dramatically in recent years. And which represents a lack of democratic accountability and consent that is – yes – felt particularly acutely in Britain. I never want us to pull up the drawbridge and retreat from the world.”

Neither do we Dave, neither do we, but an awful lot of us would be happy to see you, your cronies and the nest of vipers and shysters that make up the EU crawl back under the rock from whence you came! 

Because by pompously declaring that “It is time for the British people to have their say on Europe,” but, and this is the best bit, not until 2017, what you and your two bit lib con party are actually doing is holding the country to ransom with a brazen bribe which summed up can be best translated as,  “If you vote for us in 2015 we may have a referendum on the EU, but do you know something you unsightly gang of plebeian mugs? I wouldn’t bank on it!”