Trump Or Clinton? Let Kate Middleton Decide!

On Kate Middleton’s recent tour of Canada, she was no doubt like the rest of the world fascinated by the political shenanigans going on in the U.S., but who would the Duchess of Cambridge vote for if she was fortunate enough to live in the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave — Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?

It’s a strange question, and one not normally poised outside the idle pondering of a career driven ne’er-do-well or borderline alcoholic, but considering nearly everyone on the planet has a preference when it comes to Trump or Clinton steering the good ship U.S. through the troubled waters ahead, it’s only natural that a deeply political creature such as Kate Middleton would have an outspoken view on who would be her candidate of choice.

Unlike Canada, which in theory still belongs to Queen Elizabeth, America is no longer a constitutional monarchy, so as such the British royal family do not have a vested interest in Donald or Hillary seizing the throne and claiming the crown.

But although both Clinton and Trump have little of what in old money they would term character, they are both considered, in this woefully superficial age, characters, and everyone has to make a decision between bad and worse when it comes to these two waffling potato heads who crave power like a junkie lusting after a needle dripping with turbo-charged juice.

So, let’s put our thinking caps on and try to guess who would float Kate’s boat when it come to casting her vote, and let the bloody bout between these two slightly obnoxious and nauseating personalities begin.

Get in the ring and click here! 

The book of Jobs five years on

Five years ago this week, Apple’s guru, genius, and godhead, Steve Jobs, lost his battle with pancreatic cancer, but if technology’s most famous innovator was still alive, would he be happy with the way his company has changed the world and the way we live?

Even if you’re a die-hard Samsung fan — and there’s still a few of them out there — you cannot deny Steve Jobs’ legacy. If Bill Gates is the technology world’s version of Paul McCartney, then Jobs is definitely its John Lennon.

A born maverick with a strange charisma, a massive mythology now surrounds the man in the black turtleneck and ill-fitting jeans, who, according to Google Trends, still dominates online searches in a way Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, and, of course, Gates can never hope to achieve.

Death has a habit of conveying immortality on those from the ranks of the great and good it takes at an early age. Yet even before he passed away, Jobs was viewed as a visionary across the world and was more famous than anyone in the world of tech hitherto thought possible for one of their own.

Maybe it had something to do with his early experimentation with LSD, something Jobs described as “one of the two or three most important things I have done in my life,” which endeared him to people from all generations.

Or maybe it was because the vegetarian who dabbled with Zen Buddhism was a college drop-out who proved raw talent and ambition beats qualifications and toeing the line every single time.

Or maybe it was just because his bizarre phobia of buttons paved the way for the arrival of the sleek, user-friendly, and buttonless iPhone, which was the beginning of the beginning.

Who knows?

Click here to take another bite of the apple and find out more.

Barack Obama rumored to be enforcing a ban on Facebook in the U.S.

White House sources have revealed that Barack Obama is rumored to be about to enforce the most controversial bit of legislation during his tenure as President and ban the use of Facebook in the United States.

If true, such a bombshell would ensure Obama would go down in history as the first world leader in the western world who stood up to the vacuous horror of social media.

With billions of users worldwide, it was once estimated that if every member of Facebook were to belong to one country, then it would probably be the biggest in the world.

How lovely! Imagine for a minute, if you dare, the mind-numbing horror and brute banality of an island inhabited with nothing but Facebook users.

The hellish reality of hordes of strangers, all desperately vying for attention and “poking” one another senseless in a bid to have the coolest friends, funkiest status, wackiest profile picture, and most up-to-date baby scan picture, would be enough to make Satan himself turn his big red scaly back and say, “That’s enough!”

Left to their own devices, and without the condemnation of more civilized and refined souls to restrain their base arguments and pointless pontifications, these egotistical and squabbling little beasts would make Lord of the Flies seem like a Walt Disney film quicker than you can say “I’m a real person get me outta here.”

Thankfully, and it’s been a long time coming, more and more people are cottoning to the fact that Facebook is not a place to share; it’s a place to shun.

And if sources are to be believed, then Barack Obama is one such person who is willing to stand up to the endless cat videos and selfies.

White House insider Paige Three claims, “Mr President believes social media to be a plague and a pestilence on America, and he has had enough. He’s determined to bow out with a bang and do one last good deed before he steps down, and that is to ban every man, woman, and child in America from ever using Facebook again.”

Of course, it will be a true test of character for Obama if he is determined for America to truly swim against the tide and avoid Facebook like the plague.

For a long time now, the social media giant has slowly and stealthily attempted to posses the world’s soul and turn us all into driveling cyber people consumed by envy and obsessed with spying on people we have never met.

During the social network wars, how many of us weary “survivors” have looked on with regret and a contemptuous shake of the head as both family and friends were infected by the deadly virus and fell like dominos in the face of the overwhelming peer pressure to “get connected.”

As Mark Zuckerberg’s evil cackle echoed endlessly around the internet, people without a Facebook account were viewed with suspicion by the millions who were enjoying all the benefits of having an intimate and loving relationship with a computer program.

Even by their nearest and dearest, non-users were considered untrustworthy deviants who had no friends and had nothing to say. “Why aren’t you on Facebook?” users would snarl in complete disbelief sprinkled liberally with just the slightest hint of moral outrage.

The “possessed,” as non-users like to call them, soon began to lose all sense of human dignity. Core values such as personal privacy, modesty, and a healthy distrust of strangers were thrown out of the window as a bloody and merciless battle to be the most popular, witty, and liked prevailed.

Alongside Obama, the rest of us watched on with unspeakable sorrow as the afflicted became annoyingly self-centered and obsessed with sharing updates of their life with an uncaring world.

If you didn’t play the game and join their gang, your were soon considered something of a pitiful leper as millions of Facebook users reverted to the archetype of the playground bully and seemed to adopt the stance of, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”

Amongst the ranks of the “possessed,” however, there was no social harmony or cyber utopia to be found. Smear campaigns were commonplace, and much discord and strife that was sown on Facebook spilled over into the real world, with disastrous consequences.

The social network had in many ways started to resemble a particularly vile episode of The Jerry Springer Show without any advert breaks.

Many of us survivors tried to help those caught in the throes of this terrible addiction with rational arguments along the lines of “If I want to speak to a friend, I pay them a visit or pick up the phone,” and “If I want to share photos, I use email, not stick them up in the internet’s equivalent of a pub toilet.”

Sadly, our pleas for liberation fell on deaf ears, because people who lived in small British villages wanted to have long distance relationships with their “friends” in San Francisco, and the daily dose of gossip and vicarious existence which Facebook provided was too good to give up on.

The stark truth of the matter was that people had hundreds of friends but no one with whom to pass the long and unforgiving hours of an actual day with.

And then, from out of the darkness, there comes hope — much like a beautifully crafted letter from another era – with Barack Obama perhaps leading the way

In the words of Obama, “Can we do it?” “Yes we can.” Let’s create some real change we can be proud of.

America’s collective recovery from the addiction to Facebook will no doubt take time, and some may relapse, but as they emerge from their cyber holes like prisoners who have been kept in solitary confinement for an inhumanly long time, they will finally see the light that Obama might just spread through every corner of the civilized world.

And for those of you who are still possessed, you are not alone; America will pray for you.

Is Johnny Depp Having A Midlife Meltdown?

The news that Amber Heard has filed for a divorce from Johnny Depp over “irreconcilable differences”  has many fans of the talented thespian worried that “our John” might just walk slap-bang into a full-blown midlife crisis, if indeed he’s not caught in the mother of ones already.

It’s been a while since Depp captured the nation’s attention as a gormless bug-eyed and slightly camp irritant in Edward Scissorhands. Since that groundbreaking and vulgar display of self-indulgent over-acting, which made grown women weep and dry-eyed men vomit copious amounts of blood, Depp has amassed a small fortune as a smokes and mirrors kind of guy who excels in playing the weird, wonderful, and outright annoying.

With a net worth of $400 million, Johnny had done all right out of playing dress-up and pretend, but here’s the rub: Although he’d only been married to Amber Heard for 15 months before it all went pear-shaped, it’s been reported that the two stars did not get a prenuptial agreement before they tied the knot.

So, in theory, Amber’s “irreconcilable differences” could see her laying claim to half of what Depp owns, and that’s a lot of potatoes.

Yet, it’s not really the loss of half of his immense wealth that has Depp fans so concerned for their hero, it’s what another failed relationship will do to both Johnny’s mindset and, more importantly, his career.

Although he’s never come outright and confessed to having a midlife crisis, the signs of Depp’s tortured anguish in regard to his advancing years and the ravages of time have been visible for a long time now for those who have the eyes to see.

The rot probably set in around about the time Johnny appeared as a vampire in Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows.

In Dark Shadows, a 48-year-old Depp plays a vampire called Barnabas Collins, who looks like a really irritating and sly Frodo Baggins after the ring of Sauron has gone to town on his lame hobbit butt.

Sadly, Depp’s performance was derided by film critics, as they called out his portrayal of a vampire as being quite lifeless.

At the time, the Detroit News asked, “How bad is ‘Dark Shadows. It makes you long for a Twilight movie, and that’s bad.”

As events unfolded, it would prove a very poignant point. Prior to the release of Dark Shadows, Depp has appeared to insult fellow thespian’s Robert Pattinson’s romantic portrayal as a blood-drinking monster in the Twilight movies, by snarling, “Vampires shouldn’t look like underwear models.”

Many at the time felt that Depp’s character assassination of poor Pattinson’s acting abilities and chiseled features seemed to reek of the doubt and despair of a man faced with a midlife crisis.

Had Depp become a bit like a half-crazed and badly nourished grizzly bear prowling angrily around the woods he once ruled but whose kingship was now threatened by the arrival of fitter and younger bears?

Did a wounded and terrified Johnny Depp, isolated in his own overwhelming paranoia and monstrous ego, lash out at those he perceived as a threat, only to  decide somewhat bizarrely that making a lame vampire film was the best means of retaliation?

We could only guess, but although Depp is no stranger to pretension, his next role as Tonto in The Lone Ranger movie exceeded even his own rarefied standards of making sensible god-fearing people squirm with embarrassment and ask the question, “Is Johnny having a nervous breakdown?”

As yet another picture of Johnny-come-lately in fancy dress and make-up with what appeared to be a dead crow on his head was released to promote yet another daring, innovative, and quirky artistic Depp movie, you could almost hear the world softly sigh to itself in resigned despair, “Oh Christ! He’s at it again!”

Promotional pictures released ahead of the film’s release revealed Depp looking like a disturbing cross between a lunatic auditioning for the role of Ace Frehley in a KISS tribute band and Jack Sparrow in Native American disguise.

It didn’t bode well for the future, and when in November 2014 Johnny Depp shuffled onto the stage at the Hollywood Film Awards like a theatrical tramp and started to deliver the sort of speech one would expect from a punch-drunk boxer or slightly camp alcoholic, it wasn’t long before Twitter was ablaze with rumors about Depp’s condition.

Concerned fans of the suavely dressed ragamuffin asked at the time, can Depp’s behavior be merely a warning that the troubled actor has fallen off the wagon and is back on the sauce, or is it indicative of a deeper, darker, and more universal problem that plagues every Hollywood veteran who wakes up one fine morning to find their skin is a little looser, their belly a little fuller, their eyes a little more hollow, their hair a little thinner, their energy a little more diminished, their talents a little less robust, their reputation a little more tarnished, and their credibility shot to hell.

Many of Depp’s closest disciples would probably admit that Johnny hasn’t been on top of his game for many a moon. Are his glory days behind him, one wonders? Does Depp view his past conquests from the rearview mirror of his advancing years with all the raging impotence of the middle-aged driver?

In Hollywood terms, Depp is now considered something of an old grizzled man of the woods who’s running on empty. He’s no fresh-faced young sharp-shooter anymore with the luck of an angel and the dare of a demon. He’s less of a mercurial maverick and more of an established entertainer, and even though Depp is more Pat Garrett than Billy the Kid these days, can the pirate prince accept his mortality, or has a lifetime making a buck out of pretending to be other people going to be Depp’s downfall?

One would hope that Depp could escape the hell and horror of a midlife meltdown by accepting that he is no longer the Peter Pan product of yesteryear, and instead choose to embrace the comfort of sensible shoes, practical coats, the importance of vitamin supplements, and the camaraderie of the golf club.

Yet, when you’re regarded as a swashbuckling lush who always wins the day, it’s not always easy to ask yourself, “Am I actually acting like someone’s embarrassing drunken uncle at a wedding reception right now?”

When someone of the calibre of Piers Morgan decides to have a pop on twitter by tweeting, “Is it just me that thinks Johnny Depp is a complete d**khead,” you know you’re in trouble.

Alone and abandoned by his younger wife, one fears that a savage midlife meltdown is just around the corner for Johnny. Or perhaps it’s already began?

Top Meteorologist Slags Off Global Warming

One of France’s leading weatherman has sparked storms of outrage for daring to question the established consensus on global warming while accusing leading climatologists of “taking the world hostage” with misleading data.

There’s nothing quite like heated discussions about global warming to get people hot under the collar and red in the face. As topics of conversations go, climate change has long been something of a hot potato.

It seems every time we spark up the emission loving engines of our cars to grab a burger, open the fridge to reach for a beer, or hop on a plane for a night at the opera in Paris, some sandal-wearing killjoy who lives in a tent on a mountain somewhere and has fungi growing in their beard tells us we’re slowly suffocating the world with our twisted selfishness and all-consuming greed.

While no generation really wants to be responsible for killing the world, no one really wants to go to the inconvenience of trying too hard to save it either.

Yet it seems you can’t drive your fuel guzzling truck to the local store to pick up a frozen meal, a few aerosol deodorants, and something packaged in enough plastic to poison the pacific without feeling your actions have caused at least one iceberg to melt.

So it’s something of a relief to find that someone who knows a thing or two about climate change has criticized the received wisdom on the world’s soaring temperature.

You can help fan the flames of denial and find out more by clicking here! 

Should We Rename The Moon?

Star Wars fans, your time has come. A new campaign to give the moon a new name is underway, and with your help and a little bit of Force, the heavenly body could be born again with a much more exotic and memorable moniker, such as Ghomrassen, Guermessa, or Chenini.

Obviously, any Star Wars fan worth their lightsaber will instantly recognize the above names as being one of Tatooine’s trio of moons, which partner its two suns. In fact, you might even have them tattooed on your buttocks… in which case you’ve taken things too far, but we digress.

Earth, on the other hand, only has one sun and one moon. And therein lies the rub. Our sun is just called sun and our moon is just called moon. It’s pretty much like having a dog and calling it – you guessed it – dog! Or worse still, calling the Earth “planet!”

The moons that inhabit the Star Wars universe – such as Ghomrassen, Guermessa, and Chenini –may sound like sexually transmitted diseases, and they appear at first bite a bit of a mouthful, but they definitely boast names that grab your attention, albeit in a slightly pompous and pretentious way.

Even on NASA’s own website,when it describes the two moons of Mars being called Phobos and Deimos, it then asks, “Don’t you wish our moon had a cool name like that?”

Anyhow, here’s the thing. The moon might just be getting a new name, and even if no obliging Star Wars fans come forward to baptize it Ghomrassen, Guermessa or Chenini, why not be a little reckless and throw some other ideas in the bucket with a Star Wars themed flavor?

For example, “Luke” may not exactly be the best name for a moon, but “Skywalker” on the other hand definitely has a lot of potential. So too do a lot of other names that have seeped into popular culture courtesy of Star Wars.

Could we name earth’s only satellite “Vader?” Too masculine perhaps? How about “Princess Leia?” It’s a thought, and anything is possible if the campaign based in Utah really takes off and folks get to vote on a new name for the moon.

You can go into orbit and found out more here! 

Hitler’s Mustache Hid A Very Dark Secret

The hidden and terrible meaning behind Hitler’s mustache has finally been revealed, and it’s not pretty.

Alongside his Sieg Heil salutes, his petulant manner, his missing testicle, his extreme psychosis, his overwhelming self-pity, and his tendency to froth at the mouth while delivering his hate-riddled speeches, Adolf Hitler was renowned for having a sinister and, how shall we put it, slightly perverted type of mustache.

As all right-minded people know, anyone who sports facial hair is just not to be trusted. In a report, the Inquisitr discussed the disturbing trend of young men adopting the sort of beards Buffalo Bill would have considered beyond the pale. In the same report, the dangers of facial hair — beards in particular — are fiercely highlighted.

“At best the man with a beard was considered an oath of ill discipline and slovenly ways. A man with a beard would suggest to all right thinking citizens, that here was a creature, (more than likely nocturnal and prone to self-abuse) with all the hygiene habits of a particularly vile gutter rat and the moral fibre of a stoat.

“In the more refined and restrained days of yore, beards were not cultivated as they are now, but were more something which happened to a man when his guard was down. A man for who the everyday demands and rigors of everyday life had become a little too much would often grow a beard.

Such a tragic figure would also take to wearing a bright and shiny tracksuit complemented by gravy and beer-stained vest, as if to announce to the world, ‘Yes my existence has become a little frayed at the edges, I have let myself go and now live in a terrible twilight world created by my own fantastical mind.’ In other words the beard had come to symbolize a cry for help from someone teetering on the brink of the abyss.”

Of course, the dreaded and comical modern apparition that calls itself the “hipster” has made beards acceptable to those clones and drones who clock in daily at a factory called fashion.
Yet, frightful as they are, there is something more sinister than the beard, and that is the dreaded mustache.

The mustache is born when facial hair begins to think of itself as a cut above and gets an attitude. A mustache isn’t what happens when you shave, and it isn’t what happens when you don’t shave — it’s what happens when you want to announce to the world that you’ve got a problem with a capital “P.”

A mustache is a deliberate two-fingered salute to mother nature from a man who’s pretty much saying, “There’s nothing nice about me, and I’m going to prove it.”

Growing a bush of coarse, finely trimmed hair above your lip isn’t clever. In fact, it suggests complete howling at the moon insanity and a complete lack of respect for the rest of humanity.

Joseph Stalin, Genghis Khan, Captain Hook, Vlad the Impaler, Dick Dastardly, Jeffrey Dahmer, Albert Fish, Augusto Pinochet, and, of course, Adolf Hitler have all sported the sort of mustache guaranteed to make you go, “Hmmm.”

Why? What exactly is it with evil bastards and mustaches?

Discover the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth by clicking here!