Happy 60th Mr Blair: A message For You Tony

Congratulations Tony you old dog. It was your 60th birthday earlier this month. No doubt time to take stock and reflect upon your life to date. And what a life it’s been! Let’s take a look at some of your best bits. 

You’ve been called a lot of things in your time haven’t you Tony? “Morally inert”, a “Bare-faced liar”, “Smarm incarnate”, “Sanctimonious snake” and  a common “War criminal” are just a few of the more charitable insults that have been slung your way. 

But just you remember Tony, sticks and stones may break your bones but name can never hurt you. However, missiles, bombs and bullets can - just ask the people of Iraq and the soldiers who fought there.

It’s a big thing to invade another country, and not a decision to be taken lightly. But all these years later, do your hands still feel clean Tony? Does it feel as if there’s any blood on them? Perhaps you sleep easy at night with the solace that you saved more lives than were lost if Saddam Hussein had been left to rule the roost? 

It was so different and so much more clear-cut  back in 2003 wasn’t it Tony? You and Bush demanded a war and so did the majority of the UK. Or at least that’s what the 175 editors of Rupert Murdoch’s papers were hell bent on telling us that’s what we wanted. 

Do you remember Rupert Tony? He’s had a tough time of late. Or as tough as it gets for fabulously rich media moguls. Still, Adolph knew it and so did you - he who controls the press controls the people. And it must have been awful nice to have had Rupert the Blair on side. 

Perhaps as you blow out all 60 of the candles on your birthday cake today Tony you’ll cast one beady eye back to the events of 2003 and recall the bright unholy glare of those 1.9 metric tonnes of depleted uranium ammunition that was used by UK forces in the Iraq war, and in a moment of Dod forsaken clarity cry, “Oh my God! What we did was illegal and morally bankrupt!” I wouldn’t bank on it though. 

Talking of bankers. They’ve led us on a right old merry dance since your were last in power haven’t they Tony? Your birthday fell on a bank holiday this year dear, but money never sleeps does it Tony. At least not on your watch.

Your “New Capitalism” and “New Labour” heralded a complete feeding frenzy at the trough didn’t they Tony. Finally, rampant capitalism and personal greed were liberated from the shackles of regulation and old fashioned concepts such as ‘society’ and ‘moderation’. 

We never had it so good - that is until we had nothing left, not even a pot to piss in.  We’ll be repaying the debt you and you boys lumbered us with for many a moon won’t we Tony? It’s obvious you believe in splashing the cash to become popular and remain so, because the public sector debt rose 82% under Labour didn’t it Tony? Which suggests you were just throwing money at problems, knowing they wouldn’t surface their ugly heads until long after you had flown the nest. 

Talking about nests, you certainly know how to feather yours don’t you, you crafty old tart.

Pocketing two million a year courtesy as your role of part-time adviser to investment bank JP Morgan is a lovely little earner. And that’s before we take into account your similar role with insurance company Zurich. Not to mention rumoured  reports that Tony Blair Associates pocketed another 27 million after being employed by Kazakhstan’s dictator, Nursultan Nazarbayev as a special adviser.

It’s all a bit rich for a former Labour Prime Minister Tony. No! scrub that, it’s filthy rich and somewhat unsavoury you grasping little toad. 

In fact, you’re so good at making money honey, you can get away with charging up to £200,000 on giving lectures and speeches around the world whilst staying free of charge at UK ambassadors official residences courtesy of the British taxpayer. 

This is an underhanded trick by anyone’s standards Tony, but for someone who’s got a property portfolio worth millions it’s diabolical. How Blair You! 

What’s more Tony, you declare yourself a religious man but in your first six years in office you  ordered British troops into battle not once, not twice, not three, not four but five times. That’s a record Tony. You’re more of a war mongerer than any other prime minister in British history. First we had Iraq in 1998 and then in 1999 it was Kosovo. In 2000 we had Sierra Leone and then in 2001 we had Afghanistan and then by 2003 it was time for Iraq again. That’s quite aggressive behaviour for a self professed man of God Tony. 

Incidentally Tony, are you aware that your initial spell TB? But you’re not a disease are you Mr Blair, well perhaps a minor plague that our country is still trying to recover from. 

So have a happy 60th birthday Billy Bliar, you’re a master of masks, a maker of history, and an enemy of truth, all in all, a perfect politician.

Iron Man 3 angers American musicians

The metal man plays the blues!

Musicians are renowned as being somewhat of a precious bunch, but why the hell are they having a pop at 'Iron Man 3' and Marvel Studios in particular? 

Because according to the American Federation of Musicians (AFM) they are taking actions that are "un-American and unfair.

The AFM have accused the comic book giants of sending film scoring outside of the USA not just for one, but for every movie they've ever produced.

Why do they do this? Well according to the union it's all about cost cutting. By hiring overseas musicians under non-union contracts and including a clause which cites that there'll be no re-use payments (residuals), pension or health benefits, the Marvel moguls save themselves a pretty penny.

And because the union have also claimed that Marvel benefits from US tax credits, AFM international president Ray Hair is not a happy bunny. "Marvel lines its pockets with taxpayer money, taking care of everyone who works on their films -- except musicians," snarled a disgruntled Mr Hair.

To make matters worse, it's also been alleged that all other personnel hired for Marvel productions are American and paid under union contracts.

So incandescent with rage are these song and dance men at the AFM, that many of their number staged a peaceful protest outside Marvel's Manhattan Beach offices in June last year because Marvel had the brassneck to score 'The Avengers' overseas.

They returned to the Marvel base recently to hand out leaflets ahead of the 'Iron Man 3' LA premiere and about 15 union members have already visited a location shoot for 'Captain America 2' to form a picket line and make their feelings known. However, it's not yet known if any of their number were carrying guitars or if any Bob Dylan or Joan Baez songs were sung.

International president of the Recording Musicians Association, Mark Sazer said, "We don't think it's fair that Captain America 2 will be scored in Europe. It should be scored here at home -- just like the acting, directing, writing, truck driving, catering, carpentering and everything else."

The union claims it has initiated repeated talks with Marvel to bring something to the table, but insists that the studio refuses to cover musicians under a union contract.

0

Who knows? Perhaps it's just an open and shut case of Marvel preferring British and European musicians. I mean, given the choice between Beatlemania and Biebermania which country produced the product that's guaranteed to go the distance.

One thing's for sure, Mr Ray Hair remains angry and the music man seethed, "Marvel's actions toward professional musicians are un-American and unfair, and we want the world to know it."

The question is, will the world want to listen?

Would Wolverine be happier as an average Joe?

New Marvel movie trailers for Wolverine film suggest old Logan becomes less of a mutant and more of a man.

It's no secret that the Wolverine often takes a dim view of his immortality, after all, it must be somewhat tiresome to be the hardest dude on the block and have razor-sharp claws sprout from your hands every time you find yourself in a wee spot of bother with a stray psychopath who's overstepped the mark.

In the new Wolverine movie the disgruntled Marvel hero is offered the chance to "end his eternity" by a wealthy businessman in Japan who Logan rescues from an atomic blast.

Now while the grass is always greener, one has to wonder why the Adamantium augmented hot head that is Wolverine is so keen to take up an offer which will deny him of all his animal-keen senses, enhanced physical attributes and superhuman healing properties. The mind boggles.

After all, if most people were to ask what mutant they'd like to be for the day, the majority would say 'Wolverine.' The brooding barfly is the most popular of all the X-Men. Yet you wouldn't catch the likes of Professor Xavier banging on about his 'eternal hell' in the same way this mutant muscle Mary does.

It's very much a case of poor me, poor me, pour me another drink with Wolverine, but that's why he so longs to be a human, because deep down he's a whining malcontent like the rest of us. The only difference is Logan actually does something about his problems, and they usually end up with him kicking some serious ass.

Before he bites the bullet and embraces mortality Wolverine would do well to remember what happened to old Clark Kent in Superman II. We didn't cheer when he bathed in red Kryptonian sunlight and became a man, we sort of despised him for his weakness. But how we roared our approval when he reverses the transformation, becomes Superman and saves the universe, yet again.

So buck you ideas up dog man! The world and the popcorn munching public needs super-heroes and you're a killing machine who destroys the bad guys. You're the best at what you do and what you do isn't very nice, but it's a damn sight more entertaining than watching you being dragged around the shops of a Saturday morning with the missus whilst nursing a hangover and dreaming of being somewhere and someone else.

What's up with you bitch!